Family Guy (TV Series)

The King Is Dead (2000)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin, Loretta Brown, Mexican #2

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : [auditioning cast members]  Stewie! Do you wanna try out for Mommy's play?

  Stewie Griffin : [ascending the stage, soberly]  "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer, by the son of York. And all - "

  Lois Griffin : [interrupts]  Just sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider".

  Stewie Griffin : [infuriated]  HOW DARE you reduce my finely-hewn thespian style into mere Mother Gooseries?

  Lois Griffin : [oblivious]  OK, sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep".

  Stewie Griffin : [simmering]  You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said..."I'm going to KILL you!"

• Lois Griffin : Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.

  Peter Griffin : That's not true. I wrote "Bonfire of the Vanities."

  Lois Griffin : No, you didn't.

  Peter Griffin : [pause]  You win this round, Lois.

• Peter Griffin : Okay, let's run this scene again. Now, remember, Diane, you're playing Anna; a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life.

  Diane Simmons : Um, where does it say that?

  Peter Griffin : [pointing to his head]  In my noodle. Okay, places. And action.

  [Diane dances to '80s dance music, a la "Flashdance"] 

  Peter Griffin : Stop. All wrong. All wrong. God, send me dancers.

  Diane Simmons : We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted.

  Peter Griffin : Well, I'm sorry, but we open the show in three hours and I don't think we're ready.

  Diane Simmons : Of course we're not. You keep changing everything.

  Peter Griffin : You bet I do. Because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her.

  Diane Simmons : I can't work this way. I quit!

  Peter Griffin : Fine.

  Joe Swanson : We can't do "The King and I" without Anna.

  Glenn Quagmire : Yeah, this is a real snafu.

  Peter Griffin : We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of Black oppression.

  Loretta Brown : Oh, thank you, Peter. I'll do it.

  Peter Griffin : Get over yourself. I was talking about me.

• Peter Griffin : Morning, theater fans.

  Lois Griffin : Good morning, Peter. I made your favorite breakfast.

  Peter Griffin : What the hell is this?

  Lois Griffin : French toast. I just made a few creative changes to the recipe. I think it's a lot better now.

  Peter Griffin : Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, oh, you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look, the fact is, the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material and he's charming.

• Peter Griffin : Ah, you should have heard 'em laughing at me, Lois. I got great ideas, but they look at me and all they see is a loser. Except for the guy with the lazy eye. He sees a loser and the snack machine.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, a lot of creative people had mindless jobs. Michaelangelo worked in a marble quarry. Uh, Herman Melville was a customs agent. Albert Einstein worked for the patent office.

  [cutaway to Einstein stealing someone else's idea for the theory of relativity] 

  Brian Griffin : I think what Lois is trying to say is you have to find a way to express yourself creatively. For example, Chris has his drawing; Meg does her birdcalls; I sing...

  [trying to butter Lois up] 

  Brian Griffin : ...beautifully.

  Lois Griffin : So I've heard.

  Brian Griffin : And Lois has her theater group.

  Lois Griffin : Yes, and for my first production, I've chosen "The King and I". It's a wonderful story about a loving, patient woman who introduces culture and civility to a barbaric patriarch who... Peter, please don't wipe your nose on the couch.

• Meg Griffin : I don't get it, mom. If you're so mad at dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night?

  Lois Griffin : I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be?

  Chris Griffin : A bitch.

• Lois Griffin : All those years of paying my dues as musical director under that old hack have finally paid off.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, Lois, congratulations. Our little theater group finally has a committed visionary at its helm; and such an attractive one.

  Lois Griffin : Brian, you'll have to audition just like everyone else.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, god, of course. I-I... oh, you didn't think... . you thought I was...

  [bashfully] 

  Brian Griffin : Ah... Lois.

  Chris Griffin : I can paint scenery.

  Meg Griffin : Can I be in the show, mom?

  Stewie Griffin : Yes, you can be the dumpy teenager who stays backstage and cries because nobody finds her attractive.

• Lois Griffin : You're not being creative. You're just destroying a wonderful show.

  Peter Griffin : Hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00 a.m.

  Lois Griffin : The only thing you create before 9:00 a.m. is exactly what you've turned my show into.

  Peter Griffin : I think my work will speak for itself.

  [leaving, then coming back] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, ha, ha. I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.

• Stewie Griffin : Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts.

  Lois Griffin : Aw... you wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, to hell with you! Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films.

  [cutaway to a spoof of the "hair gel" scene from "There's Something About Mary"] 

• Peter Griffin : Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, what are you doing here?

  Peter Griffin : Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity, like you said. First I took an art class...

  [cutaway to him drawing a nude model] 

  Peter Griffin : [to another student]  Am I... am I supposed to draw the penis?

  [in the theater] 

  Peter Griffin : Then I tried sculpting...

  [cutaway to him sculpting a nude model] 

  Peter Griffin : [to another student]  Am I... am I supposed to sculpt the penis?

  [in the theater] 

  Peter Griffin : Then I tried music.

  [cutaway to him preparing to conduct a band class] 

  Lois Griffin : [to a student]  Am I... am I supposed to conduct with my penis?

  [in the theater] 

  Peter Griffin : I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at, but then I realized that this is it. Lois, my penis belongs on stage.

• Lois Griffin : Let's start with the scene where Lady Thiang begs Anna to comfort the king.

  Diane Simmons : Oh, are you playing Lady Thiang?

  Loretta Brown : Mm-hmm. I was supposed to be Anna.

  Diane Simmons : Oh. Well, they did an all-you-people version of "Hello, Dolly!" that was very successful.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, Chris says you told him to build a set for the North Pole.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, that's where Anna goes to talk with her best friend, a penguin.

  Lois Griffin : There *is* no talking penguin in "The King and I".

  Peter Griffin : There is in "Peter Griffin Presents 'The King and I'."

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Peter Griffin : Now we just gotta think of some wicked funny stuff for him to say.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, the director decides whether or not to add a character. You're the producer, remember?

• Peter Griffin : Come on, Lois, those-those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippy, you know? I-I was thinking we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, they didn't have capri pants in the 1860s.

  Peter Griffin : They did now.

  [mashed potatoes get thrown in his face] 

  Peter Griffin : Ahh!

  Stewie Griffin : You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber!

  [throwing mashed potatoes at Lois] 

  Stewie Griffin : And you! Well, I just plain don't like you.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, everyone has to audition. You know, sing dance...

  Peter Griffin : Oh, I get it.

  [getting on stage] 

  Peter Griffin : Uh, hello, everybody. This is, uh, just a formality since I happen to be doing the director.

  [giggling] 

  Peter Griffin : A-five, six, seven, eight.

  [singing off-key] 

  Peter Griffin : Marshall, Will, and Holly/On a routine expedition/Met the greatest earthquake ever known/High on the rapids/It struck their tiny raft.

  [jumping across the stage] 

  Peter Griffin : Ahhh!/And plunged them down a thousand feet below/To the land/of the lost.

• Lois Griffin : Okay, let's go from the start of scene seven. Action.

  Loretta Brown : "Oh, Missus Anna, the king needs you. You must go to him."

  Diane Simmons : "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, truly needs me, I will go to him."

  Peter Griffin : Cut! All wrong. No good.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful.

  Loretta Brown : [quietly]  My ass.

  Lois Griffin : Besides, I'm the director.

  Peter Griffin : I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mean... I mean, Anna and Ms. Thing both love the king, right? Well, on Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these two women bitch-slapped each other. Crowd went nuts. Loretta, w-why don't you try slapping Diane?

  Loretta Brown : I think I can do that.

  Lois Griffin : Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rodgers and Hammerstein, not trash TV.

  Diane Simmons : I think Peter may be onto something. Springer is one of our station's highest-rated shows.

  Lois Griffin : I don't know.

  Peter Griffin : I thought you wanted to do a good show. Well, if you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do "Rent"?

  Lois Griffin : [reluctantly]  I guess we can try the...

  Loretta Brown : [slapping Diane]  Action!

• Lois Griffin : What's going on?

  Peter Griffin : Oh, we're just having a little powwow to discuss my latest changes.

  Lois Griffin : *What* changes?

  Peter Griffin : The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children.

  [spookily] 

  Peter Griffin : They're ALIENS!

  Glenn Quagmire : Ha! Hey, that's great, Peter.

  Joe Swanson : Right on the money.

  Diane Simmons : Isn't he brilliant?

  Lois Griffin : No! He's not brilliant! Rodgers and Hammerstein were brilliant, and I want to do the show *they* wrote. We're not making any more changes!

  Meg Griffin : [running in with Chris]  We sold out!

  Chris Griffin : Yeah, the whole town's talking about your show, dad.

  Lois Griffin : [cheers from the others]  *Your* show? Peter, this is *my* show!

  Peter Griffin : What's the big deal? You wanted to sell out and we did.

  Lois Griffin : I am through selling out. I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful and you've completely destroyed that. You wanna be the director? Fine. I quit.

  Peter Griffin : Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except... I'm the king of the worl...

  [falling off the stage] 

  Peter Griffin : Ow!

• Joe Swanson : We can't do 'The King and I' without Anna.

  Glenn Quagmire : Yeah, it's a real snafu.

  Peter Griffin : We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression.

  Loretta Brown : Aah, thank you, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Get over yourself, I was talking about me.

• Lois Griffin : This is the kind of mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland.