Frasier (TV Series)

Leapin' Lizards (1995)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• [Frasier's phone rings. Bulldog is calling from his show, using a snooty voice] 

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : Hello, this is Dr. Julius Erving. I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane. His receptionist said he might be there.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : No, no, nothing important. Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about "The Mikado".

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, perhaps I can help, I'm Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane and as luck would have it, I was in an all-male version of "The Mikado" at Oxford. People still ask to see my "Yum-Yum!"

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, let me see. Of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be, but, um...

  [high-pitched voice] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : "Three little maids from school are we, prim as a schoolgirl well well be, filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little maids from school!"

  [Martin enters with his radio, laughing] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Dad, would you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here!

  Martin : You sure are. Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air!

  [laughs] 

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : [normal voice]  Sayonara, Doc!

• Kate Costas : [to receptionist]  I need a copy of our contract with Nanette Stewart.

  [notices Frasier] 

  Kate Costas : What's Yum-Yum doing here? It's all right, I can guess.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You promised you'd put an end to Bulldog's shenanigans and instead you encouraged him.

  [notices Kate has pulled Nanette's name from the board] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You're cancelling "Pet Chat With Nanette"? She's been on for six years!

  Kate Costas : Yeah, but she's been floating at the top of the bowl for the last two. When I went in to talk to Bulldog, the phones were lit up like Times Square, he's fans love it when he zaps you.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : So, you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas!

  Kate Costas : No, I would have you fight back. He makes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your drool, Ivy League, "look at me; I've got a thesaurus" kind of way! It'll be funny!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Funny! Funny! I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man who's favorite t-shirt reads "Seattle Hooter Inspector"!

  Kate Costas : Afraid of the competition?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I am a doctor, I went...

  [She gives him a look, expecting him to mention Harvard again] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : ... to medical school! I will not embarrass myself by engaging in a grab for ratings.

  Kate Costas : You just announced to a half a million listeners that you are filled to the brim with girlish glee, I think the "H.M.S Pinafore" of embarassment has sailed! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to fire someone.

• Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : [Bulldog carries on with his show]  I asked the Raiders defensive line to describe their tackling skills and here's what they said:

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [recording plays]  Three little maids from school are we, three little maiddddds from school!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Barging into the broadcast room after Bulldog has played another joke on him]  I warned you!

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : Hey, hey, clear your jets. Kate told me to keep busting ya. Said it's good for ratings. You got a beef, take it up with her!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I don't believe you.

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : Pete, what did Kate say?

  Pete : She said you're a pig.

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : No, before that.

  Pete : She said to keep raggin' on the doc.

  [Frasier stomps out] 

• Martin : You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force. The day they replaced my bullet proof vest with a big lacey bra, I knew I was one of the guys.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Thank you, Dad. That also clears up a nagging question for me concerning the night you were shot!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : You would think that in a city with this much rain that people would develop an etiquette about it, but no! They buy umbrellas that are too big for them, you have to walk into the street to get around them and then they drive too close to the curb so that you're sure to get splashed! And they wear brown shoes with white socks!

  Daphne Moon : What has that got to do with the rain?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Nothing! But I mean, really, get a fashion sense!

• Martin : Bulldog's a funny guy.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : And I'm not funny?

  Martin : Uhhh...

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I don't believe this!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well now, obviously Dad's forgetting the time you took the names of our wine club board and turned them into wickedly derisive anagrams!

  [with Frasier] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Sidney Assbasket!

  [they all break into laughter] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Now you see, Dad, I made you laugh.

  Martin : No, I'm looking at Eddie.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Niles has just entered Frasier's apartment]  Hello, Niles.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Frasier, quick, give me your museum membership card.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : What for?

  Dr. Niles Crane : I just heard tickets go on sale today for the exhibit of fourteenth-century Japanese netsuki figurines.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, then the rumors were true?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Hurry, hurry, I want to get there before the line forms.

• Daphne Moon : Come on, Eddie, you love paté. And this is the good stuff.

  [Frasier enters] 

  Daphne Moon : Uh-oh.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Two syllables every homeowner loves to hear upon entering the door. Would that have anything to do with the fact that you're feeding my imported foie gras to a dog?

  Daphne Moon : Well, I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, well, heaven forbid that Eddie should ever work a nerve! When Niles gets here we'll have sherry and snausages!

  Daphne Moon : That reminds me, Dr. Crane will be a bit late. Your father asked him to stop at the vet and pick up some pills for Eddie.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I'm the one who's had a hard day. How come no one ever brings *me* tranquilizers?

  Daphne Moon : I've often wondered that meself.

• Roz Doyle : Frasier, would you wipe that guilty look off your face? No one even suspects you.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Why not?

  Roz Doyle : Because you made such a big deal about how playing pranks was beneath you.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me. I'm going to accept my limitations, and be satisfied to merely be witty and urbane. Even my most barbed comments never drew blood! Oh God, I feel sick.

  Roz Doyle : You do? When the lizard threw up her fingertip, who had to pack it in frozen yogurt and rush it down here?