Frasier (TV Series)

My Fair Frasier (1997)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Samantha : I hope this doesn't offend you, but I've had the most stressful day and I really don't have the energy to make a lot of small talk. Plus I'm not very hungry. Would you mind terribly if we just -

  Frasier : I know where this is heading. You don't have to say it.

  Samantha : Frasier, could we just go somewhere and have sex?

  Frasier : Well, I'm flattered, and the thought is very tempting, but you see, on my show I'm constantly preaching that people should get to know one other, have things in common, before taking that kind of step. What's your favourite colour?

  Samantha : Blue.

  Frasier : Mine too, check please!

• Daphne Moon : Don't let his shake your confidence. You'll be fine. Maybe she's had her fill of attractive men and is ready for a change.

  Frasier : Aren't I lucky. Normally, a forest troll like me has to trick a woman to get a date.

• Frasier : I did not get a booty call!... what is a booty call?

  Daphne Moon : It's a late-night call inviting you to meet, but with a true goal of just having sex.

  Frasier : Oh God! I did get a booty call.

• Dr. Niles Crane : [smells the air]  Frasier's morel mushroom and tarragon sauce.

  Samantha : How did you know that?

  Frasier : Niles has always been able to identify sauce from a great distance.

  Martin Crane : His mother and I were so proud.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Hello. I'd like to return this purse.

  Saleswoman : I'm terribly sorry but this was a sale item and we have a no-return policy. You wife didn't like it?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I'm not married at the moment.

  Saleswoman : Girlfriend?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : No, no, no, no girlfriend either, in fact I don't have time to go into all my other non-existent relationships, it was a gift for a friend.

  Saleswoman : Ah, well, perhaps your

  [suggestively] 

  Saleswoman : FRIEND would like to make it work with some matching shoes. We have up to size thirteen.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : This really was a gift, and I would thank you when you said the word "friend" not to italicize it!

• Samantha Pierce : So, Teddy Kennedy, Henry Kissinger and the Dalai Lama are all in this plane...

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Wait, wait, I think I've heard this joke.

  Samantha Pierce : No, no, this really happened to me about a month ago.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : You know, it's funny, as much as I care for this woman, there's something about this relationship that leaves me vaguely unsettled.

  Dr. Niles Crane : I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot! What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time you find yourself in a more submissive role.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : What on God's earth are you talking about?

  Daphne Moon : I think what he means is - you're the girl!

• Dr. Niles Crane : [to Frasier]  Well, think about it. How did you two first meet? She came to your rescue. Who initiated the first sexual encounter? She did.

  Martin Crane : She did? For God's sake, who's wearing the pants in this relationship?

  Dr. Niles Crane : My point exactly, Dad.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, fine, look, as much fun it must be to spin out this little theory, it's entirely without foundation.

  [the oven bell in the kitchen rings] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [feminine]  Dear God, there's my rosemary bread!

• Samantha : Well, just tell me what you want, Frasier. Do you want to be the traditional man, and I'll be the put-upon woman?

  Frasier : No. That's not what I want. I just wish that we could have a relationship where neither one of us is the man.

  Samantha : So, that would make us, what? A lesbian couple?

  Frasier : [laughs]  Well, they're very in now.

• Frasier : You didn't tell him you were pregnant before the date?

  Roz : Well, it's not the easiest thing in the world to tell someone. Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me.

  Frasier : Your "glow" - oh please, Roz, do you ever think that anyone... could miss your radiant glow?

  Roz : So, I tell him, and he says fine, it's not a problem. Five minutes later, he tells me his pager is vibrating. He has an emergency. He has to go to work.

  Frasier : Well, maybe he was telling the truth.

  Roz : He sells wicker furniture. Who needs their end tables recaned at 9:30 at night?

• Martin Crane : They had this one great exhibit where you climb into this boat, you put on a life jacket, and they simulate what it's like to be caught out at sea in a hurricane.

  Frasier : [Niles enters looking seasick]  Good Lord! Niles, why did you ever agree to go on a ride like that?

  Dr. Niles Crane : I didn't. I dined at the snack bar.

• Frasier : Take our first date. We had barely begun dinner when you suggested that we run off and go to bed together. Traditionally that is... well, every man's dream. OK, bad example.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : I know I'm not very good at picking up gifts for people usually, but when I saw this in the window, I knew it was perfect for you.

  [Roz takes out a small black purse from the box and bursts into sudden tears] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Still, maybe I should have gone with the shawl.

  Roz Doyle : [crying]  No, it's not the purse. Although I do hate it.

• Frasier : Hello. I'd like to return this purse.

  Saleswoman : I'm terribly sorry but this was a sale item and we have a no-return policy. You wife didn't like it?

  Frasier : Well, I'm not married at the moment.

  Saleswoman : Girlfriend?

  Frasier : No, no, no, no girlfriend either. In fact I don't time to go into all my other non-existent relationships. It was a gift for a friend.

  Saleswoman : Ah, well, perhaps your "friend" would like to make it work with some matching shoes. We have up to size thirteen.

  Frasier : This really was a gift, and I would thank you when you said the word "friend" not to italicize it!