Frasier (TV Series)
Seat of Power (1994)
Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane
Quotes
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Frasier : You know the expression, "Living well is the best revenge"?
Niles : It's a wonderful expression. I just don't know how true it is. You don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. "Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well."
Frasier : All right, Niles.
Niles : "Whereupon Woton, upon discovering his deception, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act again by living even better than the Duke."
Frasier : Oh, all right!
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Niles : When you think about it, our only mistake today was trying to fix that toilet ourselves.
Frasier : Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.
Niles : But now, order has been restored. By hiring a plumber, that plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album. Miss Parton can then finance a national tour which will, of course, come to Seattle, allowing some local promoter to make enough money to send his cross-dressing teenaged son to us for $150- an-hour therapy.
Frasier : [raises his glass] To the circle of life.
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[last lines]
Martin Crane : [flushing toilet] Well, there she goes. Good as new.
Frasier : Thanks, Dad. Can I buy you a beer?
Martin Crane : Oh yeah, sounds good. Come on, Eddie.
[as they leave, Eddie starts drinking out of the toilet]
Martin Crane : Oh, for God's sake Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet. Some guy just had his head in there!
[He and Frasier laugh]
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[Frasier is eating breakfast while Eddie stares at him]
Frasier : You are not getting the rest of my scone, so just forget it...
[takes a bite]
Frasier : Mmm. Really good, too. Yum, yum yum yum. Listen, I don't care, you can sit there 'til you're blue in the face. As far as I'm concerned, you don't even exist, you're not even here.
[he goes back to reading his paper, but soon crumbles]
Frasier : Oh, all right, here! Get fat!
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[mopping up the bathroom after Frasier and Niles's failed attempt to fix the toilet]
Daphne Moon : What a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
Frasier : Well Daphne, we're not plumbers, we're psychiatrists.
Daphne Moon : Yeah, well there are some heads you shouldn't tamper with.
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[Niles paces back and forth on Frasier's balcony, swatting Frasier's ficus plant every time he passes it]
Daphne Moon : What's Dr. Crane doing?
Frasier : He's a little frustrated because I wouldn't let him do something. He's taking his anger out on my ficus.
Daphne Moon : I've never seen him so angry, he's like a madman.
[Niles starts waving his arms around like a madman. Frasier lets him in]
Niles : Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch!
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Niles : Good news, Frasier. I pulled some strings with the spa, and they're squeezing us in for a salt glow with our Swedish massage.
Frasier : Fabulous!
Martin Crane : Ah, forget about a plumber, I'll do it myself. My manicurist cancelled on me.
Frasier : Dad, you will not do it yourself.
Martin Crane : I'll bet you don't even have any tools around here.
Frasier : Oh well, that's where you're wrong. Let me show you something, mister. Here...
[He opens a drawer and pulls out a pocket toolkit]
Frasier : See this? Every possible tool for every possible need. Got this from Hammacher-Schlemmer.
Niles : Is that turquoise inlay?
Frasier : Yes, it also comes in ebony and onyx.
Niles : Onyx. Onyx is so showy. I don't...
Frasier : Oh, I don't think so. I love onyx, onyx is a stone that resonates within me...
[they begin to argue]
Frasier : Martin: This is why I never took any home movies. You two realize what a couple of delicate doilies you are? Sheesh, you don't even know the meaning of the word self-reliant. Thank God there's not a national disaster happening, you'd be helpless.
[exits]
Frasier : Niles:
[examining the toolkit]
Frasier : Oh! A lemon zester!
Martin Crane : You two realize what a couple of delicate doilies you are? Sheesh, you don't even know the meaning of the word self-reliant. Thank God there's not a national disaster happening, you'd be helpless.
[He exits]
Niles : [examining the toolkit] Oh! A lemon zester!
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Frasier : Niles, have you been self-medicating again?
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Martin Crane : Got you again, huh? You're such a soft touch.
Frasier : I am not.
Martin Crane : Well, he never begs when I'm eating.
Frasier : Maybe he doesn't like what you're eating.
Martin Crane : Trust me, he's not picky. I saw him eat a beetle.
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Billy Kriezel : He's yelling at us something about "repressed tendencies," so we stuffed a fire extinguisher down his pants! We called it...
[thinks]
Frasier : A jet pack!
Billy Kriezel : [howling with laughter] That's it! Man, you remember them all.
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Daphne Moon : Eddie, let's go for another walk!
Martin Crane : I thought you already walked him this morning?
Daphne Moon : I did, twice.
Martin Crane : He's gotta go again?
Daphne Moon : No, actually I do!
[Martin and Frasier look askance]
Daphne Moon : That didn't sound right. There's a very nice-looking gentleman who plays frisbee in the park with his Labrador. Eddie and I are hoping to run into them again. Come on, Eddie!
[she tugs on his leash, Eddie doesn't move]
Daphne Moon : He's just playing hard to get.
Frasier : I'm glad somebody is.
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Frasier : Niles, I have to be honest. I'm a little disappointed in you. Were you actually going to stick another human being's head into a toilet?
Niles : [trying to open a bottle of water] You don't seem to understand, I feel this *rage*! It's as if this *beast* has been awakened within me!
[hands the bottle to Frasier]
Niles : Could you get that for me?
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Frasier : [running into the living-room after dunking childhood bully Billy Kriezel's head down a toilet bowl] Run Niles! The beast is loose!
