- [Frasier and Niles visit a couples' therapist to deal with their sibling rivalry]
- Dr. Schacter: In thirty years as a couples' therapist, I've never said what I'm about to say: Give up! It's hopeless! You are pathologically mistrustful of each other, competitive to the point of madness! So trust me, just meet each other at weddings and funerals, and the rest of the time, stay the hell away from each other!
- Niles: It was a few hours later, we were having espresso. Perhaps to counteract the stimulant effect, Frasier was telling us about his day.
- Martin Crane: [Martin laughs at Frasier and Nile's plan to run a joint psychiatry practice] You two never learn.
- Niles: Oh, you think this is a bad idea?
- Martin Crane: The restaurant you bought together, that was a bad idea. The book you tried to write together, that was a bad idea. This... no that restaurant was still the stupidest.
- Niles: Well, that was quite a diagnosis.
- Frasier: Yes, there's no denying it. We are vindictive and competitive.
- Niles: Petty, mistrustful
- Frasier: And as so often in these cases, it took someone outside our situation to point it out to us.
- Niles: Well dad always said it, but he has no credentials.
- Frasier: Well there's no arguing with Dr. Schachter's credentials. My God, the man is an expert in his field, graduated from the University of
- [checks the diploma on the wall]
- Frasier: Grenada.
- Niles: Well surely that was just his undergraduate schooling.
- Frasier: Oh yes of course, his graduate work was done at... Aruba.
- Niles: An all Caribbean schooling. Well tally me banana.
- Frasier: I knew the man was a fraud the minute he opened his mouth.
- Frasier: What are you doing?
- Niles: I'm moving the Chepalire.
- Frasier: I like it where it was.
- Niles: Yes, but it didn't like it there. It wants light.
- Frasier: I have had this plant for two years and it has never been in direct sunlight.
- Niles: Well, obviously, look at it, the leaves are puckering!
- Frasier: They are not, they've wilted a little from the ride over in the trunk of the car.
- Niles: Oh, nonsense, Mafia snitches emerge from car trunks looking more robust!
- Frasier: This plant is going right over...
- [Niles protests, and he and Frasier start bickering]
- Martin Crane: And so it begins!
- Frasier: [to Niles] I'm so tired of your exaggeration, you always make things fifteen thousand times worse than they are!