- Niles: Oh, look at the time! I, er, have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry. If I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.
- Roz Doyle: [In the studio the morning after Frasier's on-air romp with Kate] Okay, *Fabio.* I want two things. One: you will never make another crack about my sex life. I don't care if I start dating a lumber camp.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Done.
- Roz Doyle: And two: Who's 'Dirty Girl'?
- [smiles]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I *can't* tell you that.
- Roz Doyle: Oh, come on, Frasier! I swear, I won't tell a soul!
- [the phone rings. Roz answers it]
- Roz Doyle: Yes?
- [turns away from Frasier]
- Roz Doyle: Not yet, I'll call you back.
- [She puts the phone down and gets a glare from Frasier. Bulldog enters]
- Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Doc? I got one thing to say to you.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Go ahead, take your best shot.
- Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [in genuine admiration] I am so proud of you, man!
- [He hugs a very unmoved Frasier]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic] Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait.
- Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Now come on, you gotta tell me - who's the mystery chick?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Bulldog, haven't you already seen?
- [points to newspapers]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I've told half a dozen reporters that I'm not going to name names.
- Roz Doyle: [picks up a newspaper and shows it to Bulldog] Don't you see this right here?
- [reads]
- Roz Doyle: 'I Won't Fink, Says Kinky Shrink.'
- [Roz and Bulldog laugh; Frasier looks fed up. Roz leaves for her booth. A very uncomfortable-looking Kate creeps in through the side door]
- Kate Costas: Good afternoon, Dr Crane.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Ms. Costas.
- Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [to Kate] Hey, hey, you're the boss - make him tell who his playmate was.
- Kate Costas: [pained] Bulldog, this is really none of your business.
- Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Oh, but we got a pool going. So far, hot money's on Roz.
- [Roz, who has just returned, is outraged]
- Roz Doyle: What? Oh, well, thank you, but I think I have a little more self-respect than to have a quickie with a co-worker on the air! What kind of slut do they think I am?
- [Kate looks extremely uncomfortable]
- Kate Costas: Dr Crane, could I have a word with you in private?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Er, I'd love that, but I, I've got my show in two minutes.
- Kate Costas: Actually you don't. I'm suspending you for a week. Bulldog, you're going on. Roz - you'll have to produce.
- Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: All right!
- [He slaps Roz's butt enthusiastically; Roz hits him in the stomach with her clipboard]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Kate] I must say, I find that a, a bit harsh, all things considered.
- Kate Costas: Yes, I can see how you might feel that way. But the station does have certain standards and it is my job to enforce them. Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with one of last night's sponsors - The Wholesome Family Cookie Company.
- [She leaves]
- [Martin and Daphne are playing dominoes and listening to the radio]
- Announcer: In local news, Congressman Robert Gill was accused of taking bribes from a waste treatment facility. Asked to comment, the Congressman said...
- [Frasier's voice cuts in]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes! YES! I am a bad boy, aren't I, you dirty girl! Come to your bad boy, oh *yes*...!
- [Martin and Daphne stare at the radio; cut to Niles, listening to this in his car]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, no! Is that the on-air light?
- Kate Costas: Stop talking.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were...
- Kate Costas: Stop talking.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: We'd better hurry up and get dressed before...
- Niles: STOP TALKING!
- [distracted, he looks up, and brakes hard, but crashes into the car in front of him]
- [Kate assigns Frasier to work the 8-10 shift]
- Roz Doyle: She thinks we're all as happy to work at night as she is. You're a psychiatrist, Frasier. She's a cold, repressed workaholic who has no sex life whatsoever. Can't you help her?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [deadpan] I've tried, Roz.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, how about a woman's perspective? Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you and I succumbed to a night of passion...
- Daphne Moon: What, you and me?
- [laughs]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes!
- Daphne Moon: What - bosoms heaving, shirt buttons catapulting through the air?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [annoyed] It's a hypothetical question!
- Daphne Moon: I'll say it is!
- [laughs again]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, all right, somebody else! So, you have a mad tryst with this young man and then the next day he says that he thinks things are going too fast; he'd like to slow down. What would you say?
- Daphne Moon: I suppose I'd say: "Thanks for being honest. Probably right, we were moving fast."
- [suddenly bitter]
- Daphne Moon: "Not that it was too fast for you last night... Ooooh, no, we were right on schedule then, weren't we?"
- [Martin, disturbed, turns around in his armchair and stares at her]
- Daphne Moon: But, now you've had your fun, though not too much apparently, and you want to be my friend-"
- [angry]
- Daphne Moon: "Well, you can just SOD OFF, Trevor Mulgrew!"
- [She calms down and notices that Frasier and Martin are staring at her]
- Daphne Moon: You know, I think I might have some buttons for this shirt.
- [walks out]
- Niles: [to Frasier] I listened to your program as I was driving home last night. Here's a bill to replace the front grille of my Mercedes and another to repair the back bumper of some wretched little domestic car.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Why do we bother having a service elevator? I just rode up nineteen floors with two sweaty moving men, munching on chili dogs, which they proceeded to drip onto my suede shoes! How will I ever get that stain out?
- [Eddie runs over and helpfully begins to lick Frasier's shoes]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah, yes. Dog saliva: Nature's miracle solvent!
- Daphne Moon: [at Frasier's apartment, in front of Kate Costas] Eddie! What's that on your chin? Have you been into the garbage again? You bad boy!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I have to tell you, last night was one of the greatest nights of lovemaking I've had since... Roz!
- Kate Costas: Tell me she just walked in.
- [Roz walks in behind Kate]
- Niles: 'Course, it's been no picnic for those of us who share your name. My Maris took it particularly hard. When I left this morning, she was ordering new stationery with an accent aigu over the 'e' in our name. Hereafter, her memos will read, From the desk of Maris Crané.
- Kate Costas: So... nice place. Whoa, what a view!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [bitterly] Yes. I'll be enjoying it during my suspension.
- Kate Costas: Well... I guess that concludes the small-talk portion of our evening. Look, it must be obvious; I've come here to apologise.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, really? For what? Turning on me when I went out of my way to protect you? You know we're both responsible for this. Yet I end up looking like an idiot and you look like a no- nonsense boss!
- Kate Costas: All right, all right, just tell me what I can do to make this right.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Nothing! There is nothing you can do, there is nothing you can say, to make this up to me.
- Kate Costas: [no-nonsense] The owners wanted you fired.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: ...That's pretty good!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, Polly. How can I help you?
- Polly: [voice over] Oh, I'm so glad I got through! I'm sitting here not knowing what to do. I find myself lacking a certain spice.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well Polly, if you want to shake up your routine, why don't you er, try something new and dangerous? Er, skydiving, belly-dancing, perhaps? That ought to add some spice.
- Polly: What are you talking about? I'm making an apple tart and I'm out of cinnamon!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I see.
- [disconnects her]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Listeners, for the fourth time this hour, I am NOT The Happy Chef. I am The Irritated Psychiatrist, Dr. Frasier Crane!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry, Niles, it's just... I'm meeting Kate here. We want to discuss the little dilemma in which we find ourselves.
- Niles: If you're talking about the little kiss you two shared, that hardly constitutes a dilemma. It's not as if you plunged into a tawdry office affair.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: No.
- Niles: Then you'd have a real problem.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes.
- Niles: A kiss? It's nothing.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [looking somewhat uncomfortable] Right.
- Niles: Had sex with her, didn't you?
- Daphne Moon: Hello, Dr Crane.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne.
- [the doorbell rings]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm not here.
- Daphne Moon: Yes. Your father's not here either. It's so nice having the whole house to myself.
- Niles: [She opens the door to Niles] Daphne.
- Daphne Moon: Oh, how lovely. Now the whole family's not here.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: One minute we were negotiating, the next minute our inhibitions were shattered, along with my kneecap and her Macintosh PowerBook.
- Niles: [surprised] This happened in her office?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes.
- Niles: What are you saying? Her couch folds out?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: We used her desk.
- Niles: Her DESK folds out?
- Kate Costas: I really think that we should slow things down.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [relieved] Oh, I am so glad you said that! I wanted to say the same thing but I was, I was afraid that you'd feel I was rejecting you!
- Kate Costas: Oh, how sensitive. And yet, at the same time, how full of yourself.