- Niles: Nothing is more sacrosanct than our professional ethics. Fortunately, I know a trick to get around them.
- Niles: My wife, Maris, actually has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes. She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva.
- [At his apartment, Frasier is filming a political ad for Phil Patterson. Frasier is sitting in a chair facing towards the balcony, then slowly turns around to face the camera]
- Frasier: Oh, hello there. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Many of you know me from my radio show, but today I'm speaking to you as a concerned citizen.
- [standing up]
- Frasier: As a mental health expert, I've been listening to what my good friend Phil Patterson has to say. I like the way his mind works. He's a visionary, and he cares about the little people. That's why I'm proud to say that I'm behind Phil Patterson for Congress.
- [Phil Patterson walks up to Frasier and shakes his hand]
- Phil Patterson: Thanks, Frasier.
- [facing camera]
- Phil Patterson: Together, we can live the dream.
- Frasier: Phil Patterson: the sane choice.
- Daphne Moon: You know, my uncle was a political writer for one of those London tabloids. I can still remember his biggest scoop. The headline read: "High-ranking politician caught wearing women's clothing." Of course, you turn to page 2 and you found out it was Margaret Thatcher, but by then you'd already bought the paper.
- Frasier: [to Phil Patterson] Yes, you know, I feel very lucky living here. I'd like to say I feel lucky to be a part of your campaign as well.
- Phil Patterson: Oh, it's me who's lucky. It's quite a boost for an underdog to get an endorsement from Frasier Crane.
- Frasier: Oh, I don't know if my name carries that much weight.
- Phil Patterson: Oh, come on, people love you. I've listened to your show. To tell the truth, I've even thought of calling in.
- Frasier: Really? What for?
- Phil Patterson: [hesitates] Oh, it's... kind of sensitive.
- Frasier: Listen, Phil, as a psychiatrist, anything you tell me will be kept in the strictest confidence.
- [Phil still hesitates. They both stare out at the night sky, not facing each other]
- Frasier: You know, it's funny how the more you bottle things up inside, the bigger they seem to be.
- Phil Patterson: Well, I've never told anybody this before, but... okay, here goes. Six years ago... I was abducted by aliens.
- [Frasier is shocked by this revelation and slowly turns his head to face Phil]
- Frasier: Aliens?
- Phil Patterson: They transported me up to their spaceship for a kind of conference. They're very concerned about what we're doing to our planet.
- [Frasier stares at Phil]
- Phil Patterson: Hey, you were right. Now that I've said it out loud, it doesn't seem like that big a deal.
- Frasier: No...
- [Frasier is once again filming the political commercial just a few minutes after Phil Patterson's revelation. Like before, Frasier is sitting in the chair facing towards the balcony]
- Director: We're rolling. And... action.
- [Frasier turns around in his chair to face the camera, this time with a horrified look on his face]
- Frasier: Hello, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Many of you know me from my radio show but today I'm speaking to you as a concerned citizen... a deeply concerned citizen.
- [Niles looks at Frasier confused]
- Frasier: As a mental health expert, I've been listening to what my good friend Phil Patterson has to say.
- [standing up]
- Frasier: I like the way his mind works. He's a visionary, and he cares about...
- [whimpering]
- Frasier: ... The little people.
- [Daphne and Martin also look confused]
- Frasier: That's why I'm proud to say that I'm behind Phil Patterson for Congress.
- [Phil walks up to Frasier, who jumps back in fear this time]
- Phil Patterson: Thanks, Frasier.
- [shakes his hand and faces the camera]
- Phil Patterson: Together, we can live the dream.
- Frasier: Phil Patterson:
- [almost in tears]
- Frasier: The sane choice.
- Director: Okay, cut it!
- Frasier: God, I'm burning up!
- [Frasier makes a mad dash to the powder room to get a washcloth]
- Holden Thorpe: So a guy like you, unmarried, didn't serve his country, sees fit to criticize a patriotic family man who fought in the battle of Grenada. I went in on the first wave, by the way.
- Frasier: On a surfboard, I suppose.
- Frasier: [on air] Hello, Seattle. I'm back. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I have just learned during the commercial break that it has become public knowledge that Phil Patterson, candidate for Congress, believes in aliens from outer space.
- [Roz looks up, stunned]
- Frasier: [continuing] Not only does he believe in them, he believes he has met with them. That he was beamed aboard their spaceship for a little interplanetary tête-à-tête.
- [Roz shakes her head at him to stop]
- Frasier: Shocked? Well, all right.
- [Roz knocks on the glass, he ignores her]
- Frasier: But I say, let's ask ourselves these questions. Has this...
- [Roz keeps pounding on the glass and slashes a finger across her throat, urging for Frasier to stop. He waves her off and continues]
- Frasier: ...harmless delusion, most likely brought on by overwork and sleep deprivation, adversely affected his voting record in any way? I ask you, and I say no. What great leader doesn't have his quirks? Ronald Reagan saw an astrologist. General Patton believed in reincarnation. Even J. Edgar Hoover let his slip show once in a while!
- [Roz finally gives up and begins to pluck her eyebrows]
- Frasier: People, we're talking about a great leader here! We shouldn't concern ourselves with these minor eccentricities. What's important - what really counts - is what's in here... I'm pointing at my chest now.
- [Roz rolls her eyes and buries her face in her hands as the scene fades out]
- Niles: Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen?
- [Frasier and Niles head for the kitchen]
- Niles: What's going on in there? You look like a zombie!
- Frasier: Oh God, Niles! I've got something I'd really like to get off my chest.
- [sits at a bar stool]
- Frasier: But if I told you I'd be violating a doctor-patient confidence.
- Niles: Oh, I see. Well, nothing is more sacrosanct than our professional ethics.
- [sits opposite Frasier]
- Niles: Fortunately, I know a trick to get around them. For the next few minutes, I'll be your psychiatrist, and then you can spill your guts with impunity.
- Frasier: Well, it's borderline, but I'm desperate!
- Niles: All right.
- Frasier: Just now, on the balcony, Phil Patterson told me that he had been... abducted by aliens.
- [Niles stares]
- Frasier: Apparently, he was beamed up to the mother ship, for a little interplanetary chitchat!
- [Niles leans around to look outside the kitchen. He then leans back to look at Frasier]
- Niles: This is bad, isn't it?
- Martin Crane: All right, now. Quiet, it's getting ready to start.
- Niles: You dragged us over here to see a commercial for Holden Thorpe?
- Martin Crane: Shh!
- Frasier: The man is a fascist. He's like Himmler without the whimsy.
- Roz: Don't you both owe each other an apology?
- Frasier: Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh wait, that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!
- [Frasier goes to Niles's table]
- Frasier: Niles.
- Niles: Frasier.
- Frasier: After last night's behavior, I believe an apology is in order.
- Niles: I agree... Well?
- Frasier: "Well," what?
- Niles: It's your turn. I apologized first last time.
- Frasier: No, you didn't!
- Niles: I did so! I distinctly remember. It was after that shouting match at the Monet exhibit. I had my secretary leave a heartfelt apology with your service.
- Frasier: So you did. That means it is my turn again... Damn!