Frasier (TV Series)

The Dog That Rocks the Cradle (1999)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• [Niles picks his cemetery plot] 

  Niles : McGurk got me a shady spot on the high hill.

  Frasier : You mean - ?

  Niles : Yes: I'll spend eternity looking down on Maris.

  Frasier : Oh, Niles.

  Niles : Checkmate.

• Roz : You are not gonna believe what just happened. Bulldog just told me he loved me.

  Frasier : What?

  Roz : Yeah, he made Ted bring me home early. It turns out he's been scaring my dates off all week.

  Frasier : Well, what did you say to him?

  Roz : I tried to let him down easy. I felt sorry for the guy.

  Frasier : Bulldog. Wow, he's full of surprises, isn't he?

  Roz : Who'd have thought? You know what's really weird? I'm gonna miss him. Look at this. Never had to worry about Alice, he kept this place so neat, and it was really nice to have someone to... someone to come home to.

• Daphne : I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my make-up for the wedding.

  Frasier : I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very life-like."

• Roz : Tell me something, do I have the word "loser" tatooed across my forehead?

  Frasier : No, Roz, but there is a rumour about a "Tweety Bird" on your upper thigh.

• Roz : [knock at the door]  I'm sorry Mrs. Wozniak. I know the balcony is not for sex play.

  Frasier : It's Frasier. And by the way - charming.

• Roz : Between spending my days with you and my nights with Alice, I've forgotten what a real conversation is like.

  Frasier : Well, don't tell Alice that, it might hurt her feelings.

• Frasier : We all must be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door.

  [they hear someone knocking on the door] 

  Frasier : Would you get that?

  Niles : I most certainly will not.

• Martin Crane : [in the cemetery]  I'll put your mother's ashes on the left side because that was her side of the bed. And look at that, right by the maintenance shed.

  Frasier : And that's a good thing because...?

  Martin Crane : First ones to get mowed. Now, Frasier, take three steps to your left.

  [Frasier does] 

  Martin Crane : You too, Niles.

  [Niles does too] 

  Frasier : Okay, now what?

  Martin Crane : Congratulations! You're now standing on your own graves!

  [Frasier and Niles look aghast] 

  Martin Crane : I know what you're thinking, the expense, well you don't have to worry about that. Merry Christmas, boys!