Frasier (TV Series)

The Zoo Story (1998)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• Martin : Oh, hey Niles.

  Niles : Hello, Dad. Uhh, looks like we had a little mix-up last night with our bags at the video store.

  Martin : Believe me, I noticed.

  Niles : [gives him the tape]  Yes, there you go. At first I was dismayed; I popped in the tape and there was Charles Bronson blowing away street trash. I actually got into it... it was quite suspenseful.

  Martin : Yeah, well, that's the way Duke and I felt about "My Dinner With Andre." Talk about suspense! "Will they order dessert? Will they leave a good tip?"

• Niles : How can you tell Frasier the Crane is a psychiatrist?

  Frasier : I can't wait to hear.

  Niles : He ignores what you say then sticks you with a large bill.

• [Maris is witholding sex to persuade Niles to fire their marriage counselor] 

  Frasier : Now, now, now, Niles, withholding sex may be just as difficult on Maris. She may crumble first!

  Niles : Are you serious? One hour of passion can sustain her for months. She stores it up like some sexual camel!

• [during their separation, Maris visited Niles for their weekly conjugal visit] 

  Niles : I've never seen her look so seductive. She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings, which she tends to avoid as they make her head droop. She pulled me down upon the bed and began playing my spine like a zither. And then, just as things were heating up, she renewed her request that I dismiss Doctor Wilphaum. So tremulous with desire was I that I almost relented, but then I remembered your advice, Frasier, and I said I wouldn't fire the good doctor... at which point Maris told me I wouldn't be firing anything else in the foreseeable future! And she left!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : I just wish they'd named the damn bird after someone else.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Gregory Peck, perhaps.

• Dr. Niles Crane : [pointing at flowers on table]  That's a striking arrangement.

  Martin Crane : It's from Bebe. After what happened today, she's trying to woo him back.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Birds of Paradise. I suppose that's her idea of floral irony.