Frasier (TV Series)

Three Dates and a Breakup (1997)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Frasier : Niles, was that Natalie Spencer I just saw you talking with?

  Niles : As a matter of fact it was. I've been admiring her all evening, so I steeled myself and asked her if she might be free next week.

  Frasier : And?

  Niles : Well, her lips said "no", but her eyes said "read my lips".

• Niles : Have you noticed there are fewer hazlenuts in these biscotti?

  Frasier : So I'm not crazy.

  Niles : And yet they've gone up twenty-five cents.

  Frasier : Oh, fewer nuts, more money - something I've been aspiring to for my entire professional life!

• Frasier : [to Eddie]  All right, young Edward: learn from the master. Now, just follow these time-honored traditions, and you too might get lucky with that young Pekinese peach you've been eyeing in the park. Now, for mood: Vivaldi. And then, for lighting: not so bright as to show the wrinkles, not so dark as to make her think you're hiding anything. And then finally, leaving nothing to chance...

  [holds up wine bottle] 

  Frasier : Pouily-Fuissé 1992, the nectar of the gods. Dear God, I could teach a course!

• Frasier : Dad, there was a time after my first marriage was breaking up, I was talking to Mom. She said to me, "Frasier, you've got to promise me you're not going to give up." I said, "Mom, please, the last thing I want to hear is a bunch of cliches, and that we're all put on the earth to love each other, and how it's certainly possible for the human heart to love more than one person." I said, "Alright, Mom, give me one good reason to ever let myself fall in love again." She said, "Because I said so and I'm your mother!"

• [Daphne is practicing an American accent] 

  Daphne Moon : I'll see you later.

  [normal voice] 

  Daphne Moon : You see, that's the problem when I speak American, I don't know what to do with my "R"s.

  Frasier : Try hauling it out of here!

• [Frasier plots to get Martin and Sherry out of the house] 

  Frasier : I bought tickets to an event which is right up their aisle. I felt so mortified just buying the tickets, I paid cash so they couldn't trace it back to me.

  Waitress : Excuse me, people! Did somebody leave some tickets back here?

  Frasier : Oh, good Lord!

  Waitress : Something called, "Nashville on Ice!" Ice skating country jamboree.

  [Frasier grabs the tickets as the crowd starts laughing at him] 

  Frasier : Oh, don't look so smug, you try skating and blowing into a jug while your heart's breaking!

• Frasier : [talking about Nashville on Ice: The All-Skating Country Jamboree]  You try skating and blowing into a jug while your heart is breaking.

• Niles : Well, were you seriously considering playing couple's therapist with Dad and that woman, after we just got rid of her?

  Frasier : I have no intention in repairing the rift. God, last night for the first time in months I wasn't jolted awake at 2:00 AM by her rousing rendition of "Foggy Mountain Breakdown"!

• Frasier : [answers the door]  Niles! I'd offer you a sherry, but I'm fresh out!

  [They slam their chests together] 

  Niles : I can't believe Dad finally came to his senses! Oh, shall we attempt a high-five?

  Frasier : Well no, not after what happened last time. Your watchband got caught in my hair.

• Frasier : Daphne, shh... do you hear that?

  Daphne Moon : What?

  Frasier : The sound of a Sherry-free apartment. I've been basking in it for the last thirty minutes. Right now, I feel like a seafront village after the Vikings have left.

• [Niles balks at asking out an attractive woman at a party, while two women have already come onto Frasier] 

  Frasier : Well Niles, I'll tell you what. Seeing as how Cupid has so amply stocked my quiver this evening, I shall try and shine on your behalf.

  Niles : [nearly sick]  Oh my God, you're unbearable!

• Roz Doyle : You haven't seen my friend John here, have you?

  Frasier : No.

  Roz Doyle : We're meeting for coffee. I'm going to tell him that I'm on my way to a chic cocktail party. This is the "Roz" that I want him to tell people about at that wedding in Wisconsin.

  Frasier : The vain, neurotic, lying Roz?

• Sherry Dempsey : Leslie, what do you do?

  Leslie Wellman : Oh, I'm a dermatologist.

  Sherry Dempsey : Good news, Frasier! If you get lucky tonight she might just look at that rash of yours!

  Frasier : [resigned]  Yes...

• Frasier : So, for the second time in two nights Sherry manages to chase away another date! She's like a scarecrow in the cornfield of my love life!

  Niles : I don't know how many more of your disastrous love stories I can hear. I'll say "when."

• [a bell is heard from the kitchen] 

  Frasier : Oh, there's my canapés.

  Niles : Oh, right. Date number two. I'll be off as well. You can fill me in tomorrow.

  Frasier : You'll get a full debriefing - as, hopefully, will I.

• Niles : I suppose you came over here to gloat because a woman came onto you.

  Frasier : Not hardly, I wouldn't do that sort of thing. I came over here to gloat because *two* women came onto me!

  Niles : Two?

  Frasier : My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip!

  Niles : I think I feel a fur ball coming up.

• [while riding up in the elevator, Daphne waves toward the ceiling] 

  Frasier : What are you doing?

  Daphne Moon : Saying hello to Mr. Hicks in security.

  Frasier : There's a hidden camera up there?

  Daphne Moon : Yes, but he said don't worry about it. He said lots of people pull down their pants to tuck in their shirts. Though he did recommend having that rash looked at.

• [Frasier is trying to mend fences between Martin and Sherry] 

  Frasier : Wait, can you just stay for a few minutes? I think I can straighten this whole thing out.

  Sherry Dempsey : Oh, it sure didn't look like he wanted to.

  Frasier : Oh, he's just being his old stubborn, ornery self!

  Sherry Dempsey : [wistfully]  I do miss that.

• Daphne Moon : Well, at least they'll be in a good mood when they come out. There's nothing like make-up sex.

  Frasier : Daphne, please, Sherry and dad don't have make-up sex.

  Daphne Moon : Well of course, they're probably at it right...

  Frasier : Daphne, please. I have to sleep at night. My dad and Sherry do *not* have sex!

• [Frasier brags about having three dates in a row that weekend] 

  Roz Doyle : Not bad.

  Frasier : "Not bad"? If I didn't know better, I'd say someone was a little jealous. After this weekend you may have to give up your dating crown.

  Roz Doyle : I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tires.

  Frasier : [deflated]  It's a wonder you could rotate anything after that.

• [in the elevator, Frasier starts to re-tuck his shirt, but remembers the hidden camera] 

  Frasier : Not so fast, Mr. Hicks. You won't find me doing anything foolish.

  [He opens his umbrella over his head, and starts to unbuckle his trousers, but finds how hard it is to do with only one hand. When the doors open, Daphne is waiting there, and Frasier shuffles out in a half-crouch, with his pants around his knees and still holding the umbrella over his head] 

  Frasier : Daphne.

  Daphne Moon : Hello, Dr. Crane. Enjoy your evening.

  Frasier : Yes, you too.

  [She enters the elevator] 

  Daphne Moon : [to the camera]  He's been under a lot of stress lately.

• Frasier : [Niles makes an odd face with a raised eyebrow]  What are you doing? You look nauseated.

  Niles : That woman is flirting with me. This is my 'I'm available' face.

  Frasier : [Niles makes the face again]  Well, stop it! My God, people will think the shrimp are bad.

• Frasier : [Niles makes an odd face with a raised eyebrow]  What are you doing? You look nauseated.

  Niles : That woman is flirting with me. This is my 'I'm available' face.

  Frasier : [Niles makes the face again]  Well, stop it! My God, people'll think the shrimp are bad.

• Frasier : [into phone]  Hello? Oh yes, hi, Niles. Well, actually it isn't a very good time. No, well Dad and Sherry just broke up. He seems to be taking it okay, I guess. Oh no, I don't think it's appropriate. Well, it's just too soon for us to be celebrating right now.

  [Frasier replaces the receiver. The phone rings again, and Frasier answers] 

  Frasier : It's still too soon, Niles!

• Sherry Dempsey : Well, I really thought I'd hit the jackpot with Marty. It isn't easy finding someone you think the world of.

  [to Frasier] 

  Sherry Dempsey : Oh, I know, you go tom-catting around with a different girl every night, but you can't find happiness that way.

  Frasier : I haven't so far.

• Frasier : Oh, by the way Niles, my benefit for the Seattle Theatre Ensemble is tonight - I haven't recieved your check yet.

  Niles : Well, that's because I'm still not sure if I'm coming. Whom should I expect to meet there?

  Frasier : Professional people... around our age...

  Niles : [wanting more]  Hmmm.

  Frasier : Same social standing...

  Niles : [strangely]  Yoww!

  Frasier : Specific-minded... interested in the arts...

  Niles : Oh for God's sake, how many women?

  Frasier : Well, why didn't you say so?

  Niles : Well, I thought my rutting monkey body language would have tipped you off.

• Frasier : [Sherry is leaving just as Leslie arrives]  Sherry, this is Leslie; Leslie, Sherry. Leslie, come on in.

  Sherry Dempsey : [Leslie enters the apartment]  Frasier, can I use the girl's room?

  Frasier : No!

  [Leslie looks at him] 

  Frasier : Oh, no... need to ask.