Frasier (TV Series)

To Kill a Talking Bird (1997)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

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Quotes 

• Dr. Frasier Crane : You know, Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right through.

  Niles : Well, that's because he knows you.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, fan of my show?

  Niles : No, he lives in your building.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Roz was right. The minute I stop looking for the perfect woman, she falls right into my lap.

  Niles : Well I hope you're comfortable with that arrangement because that's where she'll be seated Friday night.

• [Niles drops by with his dog] 

  Niles : Hello, Frasier. We were in the neighborhood for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap and we thought we'd stop by. Of course, the pedicure was for...

  Martin : Stop right there! There's no way to finish that sentence that'll make me proud.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Referring to the building Niles wants to move into]  I'm going to go out on a limb here: the Montana doesn't accept pets, does it?

  Niles : On the contrary, they welcome them. Just not cats or dogs.

  Martin : [Holding Niles' dog]  Well, then you're in luck, 'cause I don't know what the hell this thing is.

• Niles : [Niles' cockatoo is attached to his head]  I don't think my reputation can suffer more than it already has.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I wouldn't be so sure about that; wearing a white bird after Labor Day.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles, I can't stall them for much longer. The Dutchman's date even knows Maris.

  Niles : What? Who is it?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Elaine something.

  Niles : Which Elaine? Maris knows three Elaines.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, she's very thin, exquisitely dressed, and dripping with attitude.

  Niles : [annoyed]  Oh, like that narrows it down!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Place cards, how elegant...

  [reads one] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Who is Peter Soutendeck?

  Niles : He's an investment banker from Amsterdam. He apparently handles a lot of Bill Gates's money, so don't say anything derogatory about the Netherlands or Microsoft.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [dryly]  Damn. There goes my opening joke about the Dutchman trying to install Windows '95.

• Niles : And we conclude our little tour back here in the living room.

  Daphne Moon : It's very posh.

  Martin : Niles, why a bed in the living room?

  Niles : That's not a bed, dad. It's an antique fainting couch.

  Daphne Moon : My goodness, they had furniture for everything back then, didn't they!

• Niles : Follow me, there's someone I'd like you to meet. It was love at first sight! She's very exotic, only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue!

  Martin : [to Frasier and Daphne]  Wow, I'm getting nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!

• Niles : Well, I'm off to an auspicious start in the building. One of my neighbors got my mail by mistake. Look at those bills, what must she think of me?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : But Niles, everyone gets bills.

  Niles : Not at the Montana. They all have people. Their bills go to their people. I want them to think I have people too. I used to have people... only they were Maris's people.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles, if you keep this up you won't even have the people who don't care you don't have people.

• Niles : I have some wonderful news. I just signed a lease for an apartment in one of the most exclusive buildings in Seattle.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You don't mean?

  Niles : I do. As of next week, I'll be a resident of... the Montana.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles, why would you want to live in such a stodgy building? When I applied there they treated me as if I was riffraff.

  Niles : Well, if you're going to ask and answer your own questions, what do you need me for?

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Well... thank you very much.

  Niles : Oh please, I lost far more than you did.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Really? That was one of the most promising romantic prospects I've had in years! What have you lost? The respect of a posh lush and a Dutch letch!

• Daphne Moon : That's a lovely building. I've only been there once, applying for a job.

  Niles : I can't imagine anyone turning down a chance to hire you.

  Daphne Moon : I hope you're right, I haven't heard yet. Well, goodnight!

  Martin : [She leaves to her bedroom. The three Crane men look unsettled]  Hey, Frasier, you don't...

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, just relax, Dad. It's just her way of angling for more vacation time.

  Martin : What if she isn't?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, they'd still have to call me for a reference. Either way, she's not going anywhere.