Futurama (TV Series)

A Tale of Two Santas (2001)

John DiMaggio: Bender, Robot Santa, Elves, URL, Robot Cellmate

Photos 

Quotes 

• Santa-bot : Let's see who's been naughty, and who's been naughty.

  [sees robot mobsters beating up a man in his monitor] 

  Santa-bot : Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money: very naughty. Shopkeeper's not paying their protection money: exactly as naughty.

• [as Bender is being walked to the execution chamber] 

  Robot Cellmate : Hey, Santa. When you see the Robot Devil, tell him I'm a-coming.

  [Bender walks to the next cell, where the Robot Devil is] 

  Bender : Hey, that guy said to tell you...

  The Robot Devil : I heard him!

• Fry : And I can deliver them, billions and billions in one night.

  Santa-bot : Ha! No human could do all that.

  Fry : Evel Kneivel could.

  Santa-bot : Nuh-uh!

  Fry : Yeah-uh!

  Bender : Santa's right. We need some sort of robot.

  [pause] 

  Bender : Oh, crap! I'm some sort of robot!

• Turanga Leela : Remember, professor. Bender is Santa. You don't need to hurt him.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken mp3.

  Bender : Ho, ho...

  [Professor shoots Bender] 

  Bender : Ow!

  Turanga Leela : Professor, don't you remember what I told you?

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : No!

• Smitty : It's Santa, and we've got him cornered.

  URL : Oh, I smell a big, juicy promotion for me.

  Smitty : And a juicy re-hiring back into the force for me.

• Little Girl : Mommy, mommy! Santa's through the perimeter!

  Mother : This is it, kids! Take your suicide pills so you won't suffer!

  Bender : No, wait! I'm the good Santa! I've got toys at very reasonable prices!

  Father : Don't listen to him! He's the father of all lies, and the uncle of all tricks!

  Bender : But I come bearing Tri-Ominos!

  Mother : Go for the shins!

• [all singing] 

  X-Mas Elves : We are free and fairly sober/With so many toys to build/The machines are kinda tricky/Probably someone will be killed/But we gladly work for nothing

  Fry : Which is good because we don't intend to pay

  X-Mas Elves , Fry , Turanga Leela : The elves are back to work today. Hooray!

  X-Mas Elves : We have just a couple hours to make several billion gifts/and the labor isn't easy

  Turanga Leela : Then you'll all work triple shifts/You can make the job go quicker if you turn up the controls to super speed

  X-Mas Elves , Fry , Turanga Leela : It's back to work on X-mas Eve. Hooray.

  Turanga Leela : And although you're cold and sore and ugly/Your pride will mask the pain

  Fry : Let my happy smile warm your hearts

  Single X-Mas Elf : There's a toy lodged in my brain

  X-Mas Elves : We are getting awfully tired and we can't work any faster

  Bender : Why you selfish little bastards!/Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy empty-handed jerk?/Then shut your yaps and back to work

  X-Mas Elves : Now it's very nearly X-Mas and we've done the best we could

  Fry : These toy soldiers are poorly painted

  Turanga Leela : And they're made from inferior wood

  Bender : I should give you all a beating/but I really have to fly

  Santa-bot : If I weren't stuck here frozen/I'd harpoon you in the eye

  X-Mas Elves : Now it's back into our tenements to drown ourselves in rye

  Turanga Leela : You did the best you could I guess/Cause some of these gorillas are okay

  X-Mas Elves , Fry , Turanga Leela : Hooray!

  Single X-Mas Elf : We're adequette

  X-Mas Elves , Fry , Turanga Leela : The elves have rescued X-Mas day. Hooray!

• Kwanzaa-bot : Yo, Kringle! What happened to you, dawg?

  Bender : Oh, it's awful, Kwanzabot. Everyone hates me.

  Kwanzaa-bot : [Scoffs]  At least they understand you. You know what I'm saying? Ain't nobody down with this Kwanza tip.

  Bender : Hey, maybe you can lend me a hand with these deliveries?

  Kwanzaa-bot : [Imitates a gameshow buzzer]  No time. I got to hand out the traditional Kwanza book.

  [He holds up a book with two shrugging children on the cover. The book is called "What The Hell Is Kwanza." Kwanza-bot sighs] 

  Kwanzaa-bot : I've been giving these out for 647 years.

• Bender : [Cross-examining]  Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony?

  Premula : Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.

  Bender : And yet you haven't said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you?

• Santa-bot : By the way, Bender. Here's a small token of my appreciation for being Santa while I was trapped in the ice.

  Bender : Hey, chief. You screwed up. There's nothing in here.

  Santa-bot : Oh, it might appear empty, but the message is clear: play Santa again, and I'll kill you next year!

• Santa-bot : Don't you ever knock? Who knows what naughty things I could be watching? I get New Orleans on this thing, you know.

• Santa-bot : Bender can't be Santa. He's not built to yuletide specifications.

  Bender : Well, I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me.

  Turanga Leela : Bender!

• Bender : [on Walter Cronkite]  This guy's too trustworty. What's his angle?

• Mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer : As soon as I pull this switch, these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb from limb, killing you in the most humane possible manner.

  Bender : But Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane.

  Mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer : It is for the witnesses, because it's not boring.

• Bender : Hey, Kwanzaa-bot! Where you off to?

  Kwanzaa-bot : Ah, you didn't hear about it? Hannukah Zombie's having a luau at the B'nai B'rith. You coming?

  Bender : Word!

• Bender : [Bender, dressed as Santa, has encountered a chimney with bars across it]  Duh, gee, Bender, how're you gonna get through these bars? I don't know, moron. Suppose I bend 'em? Duh, okay.

  [He bends the bars]