- Calculon: Are you my hot water heater?
- Bender: No, I'm Bender. We met once, remember?
- Calculon: Absolutely not.
- Bender: Come on, don't you remember how much I bugged you? Don't you? 'Cause it was a lot. You remember, right?
- Calculon: Look, I'm programmed to be very busy. Unless you can heat water to 212 degrees, I'm not interested.
- [closes door; Bender knocks again]
- Calculon: Have you got an extra GOTO 10 line? I said I don't need a bender.
- Bender: Bender? That was the other guy. My name's Boiler.
- [cut to Bender serving as water boiler for Calculon's shower]
- Calculon: Nice work, Boiler.
- Bender: Thanks. And call me Bender.
- Bender: That plot makes perfect sense. Wink, wink.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Bender, you said 'wink, wink' out loud.
- Bender: No I didn't. Raise middle finger.
- Harold Zoid: People, people please, just because its a dramatic scene doesn't mean you can't do a little comedy in the background.
- Philip J. Fry: Well, we missed the premiere, and we're gonna die. Might as well enjoy the sights.
- [a Neanderthal skeleton floats past the window]
- Philip J. Fry: Oh, my God! Sylvester Stallone!
- Harold Zoid: Thank you, thank you so much. You know through all my ups and downs, I always thought the most important thing in life was to win an Oscar. But tonight I realized what's really important is to win two Oscars. I'm kidding I'm kidding. What really matters is that people care about you, whether it's a whole crowd or just one die hard fan.
- Harold Zoid: So, you want to be a comedian, is it?
- Dr. Zoidberg: It's my life long dream.
- Harold Zoid: Well, that dream dies now! You're unfunny and untalented. That's why you're perfect for drama.
- Calculon: I told you I want an Oscar!
- Bender: Then maybe you should act better.
- Calculon: The Oscar isn't about acting. It's about earning the respect and admiration of the creative community.
- Harold Zoid: How about we rig the awards?
- Calculon: That's fine too.
- Calculon: [to Bender] You listen to me, I'm out a million bucks here! You get me that Oscar, or you're dead! You and these sniveling lobsters. Dead, you hear me? DEEAADD!
- [Calculon leaves, as Bender and Zoidberg shake in fear]
- Harold Zoid: Oy, NOW he emotes!
- Dr. Zoidberg: What category are they on?
- Bender: They're giving out the minor technical awards. I think they're up to Writing.
- Calculon: Let me see the script.
- [after reading for a second]
- Calculon: No, I don't like the font. Wait. "Harold Zoid". Was this written by 'the' Harold Zoid ?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Written and Xeroxed.
- Calculon: 400 categories, and not a single nomination for me.
- Dr. Zoidberg: But you won this Golden Globe.
- Calculon: Piffle! That's the Emmy of movie awards!
- Waiter: What can I get you gentlemen?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Is bread free?
- Waiter: Yeah.
- Dr. Zoidberg: We'll split an order.
- Billy Crystal's Head: And the nominees for Best Soft Drink Product Placement are...
- Slurm Vending Machine: Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation, They Call Me Mr. Pibb, and Snow White and the Seven-ups.
- Calculon: Let me see the script.
- [after reading for a second]
- Calculon: No, I don't like the font. Wait. "Harold Zoid". Was this written by 'the' Harold Zoid?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Written and Xeroxed.
- Harold Zoid: People, People please, just because its a dramatic scene doesn't mean you cant do a little comedy in the back ground.
- Doorman: [Leela and Fry arrive at the restaurant Ebola after escaping from the LaBrea Tar Pits] I'm sorry, this is a private function...
- [Sees a Neanderthal skeleton dangling from Fry's ankle]
- Doorman: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were with Mr. Stallone.
- Humorbot 5.0: So I says, "Super collider? I just met her."
- [Audience laughs]
- Humorbot 5.0: And then they built the super collider. Thank you, you've been a great audience.
- Academy Award Presenter: And the nominees for Best Soft Drink Product Placement are... Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation, They Call Me Mr. Pibb, and Snow White and the Seven-ups.
- Waiter at Elzars: What can I get you?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Is bread free?
- Waiter at Elzars: Yes.
- Dr. Zoidberg: We'll split an order.
- Harold Zoid: All right, that's a wrap everybody. I'm gonna see you all at the premiere. Which by the way, when is?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Well, editing is a long and expensive process. But we spent all the money on pies, so it'll be ready Friday.