- Maxwell Smart: Now, here's a point that all the men are very, very interested in: for example. If we're captured by enemy agents and taken to a foreign country, why can't we come back tourist class instead of having to stow away?
- Chief: 'The little red tractor that huffed and puffed'.
- Agent 99: Must be some kind of code, Chief.
- Chief: That's possible, 99
- Maxwell Smart: [slaps the table] That's it, Chief.
- Chief: That's what?
- Maxwell Smart: Red means communist. Tractor means farmer. Huff and puff means tired.
- [sits back with a smug look on his face]
- Chief: What's that supposed to mean?
- Maxwell Smart: I don't know. Find a tired communist farmer and ask him.
- Madame Verna: What about those two little old ladies you followed?
- KAOS Agent #1: They seemed harmless enough. They went directly from here to the racetrack.
- KAOS Agent #2: Where did you shoot me?
- Maxwell Smart: Left chest.
- KAOS Agent #2: Ah! Good!
- Maxwell Smart: Good?
- KAOS Agent #2: As a KAOS agent, I get double indemnity for getting shot above the waist.
- Maxwell Smart: Double indemnity for being shot only once?
- KAOS Agent #2: Not only that, if I'm shot and I don't die instantly my family gets an additional 25 per cent for suffering...
- Maxwell Smart: Unbelievable.
- KAOS Agent #2: And if I survive my wounds, I get a guaranteed six weeks convalescence leave with pay.
- Maxwell Smart: With pay? You gotta be putting me on.
- KAOS Agent #2: Not only that, we get to stay free in any resort on our KAOS credit card, American plan. Three superb meals a day. Tennis, golf, bingo parties, dance lessons and... free... funerals.
- [finally succumbs to his wounds]
- Maxwell Smart: Lucky devil. Bingo parties? I didn't know KAOS was religious?
- Maxwell Smart: How do you like that? The old secret panel in the bookcase trick. How corny can you get?
- KAOS Agent #1: It fooled you, didn't it?
- Maxwell Smart: Just barely.
- Chief: Max, that's good shooting.
- Maxwell Smart: I know Chief, I got him right in the fiction section.