- Jimmy: I can't take you in, I can't raise you.
- Jess: Raise me? I'm 18, I'm raised! I can vote, I can be drafted, it's a little late to throw me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles birthday party!
- Jimmy: I thought you didn't come here to bust my balls!
- Jess: I didn't.
- Jimmy: Well then put the bat down!
- Jess: I don't need a daddy, I just need a place to crash!
- Jimmy: Do you understand that it's only in the last five years I even started to put my life together? You don't want to be around me, I am a screw-up! That is my genetic code.
- Jess: Well the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
- Jimmy: Don't say that, you're young, you can do anything you want.
- Jess: A month, just let me stay a month!
- Jimmy: Are you listening? I have nothing to offer you, nothing!
- Jess: You have nothing? I have nothing! I have no place to go! I can't stay at Luke's, I can't stay in Stars Hollow, my mother's a wack job! I mean, you're saying you're this loser and what- you don't want to take me off this terrific path I'm headed down right now? I'm not graduating high school! I don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life but something's telling me I better find out soon or I'm gonna be that guy out there on the boardwalk selling the hemp hats!
- [introducing all dogs to Jess, not including one named Frodo introduced earlier]
- Sasha: This is Angus, Chowder, Rufus, Legolas, Caligula, Mudball, General Lee, Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis, and Spot.
- Jess Mariano: Is Jimmy here?
- Sasha: Who are you?
- Jess Mariano: Jess
- Sasha: Jess who?
- Jess Mariano: ...Look, I just need to see Jimmy.
- Sasha: Hey, have you ever seen 'The Wizard of Oz'?
- Jess Mariano: Yeah...
- Sasha: Remember the part where Dorothy comes to the gates of the Emerald City and the munchkin tells her to go away and is about to slam the door in her face until she says she's the witches Dorothy and then the munchkin says, "Well that's a horse of a different color, come on in!"?
- Jess Mariano: Yeah...
- Sasha: Well I'm about to slam the door in your face unless you can come up with the ruby slippers.
- Jess Mariano: ...I'm his son.
- Sasha: ...Well that's a horse of a different color, come on in!
- Lorelai: Okay, um, little tip: the whole stalking thing works infinitely better when you don't actually smash your face in the window.
- Luke Danes: I need to talk to you.
- Lorelai: Come inside.
- Luke Danes: No, she - Rory's in there!
- Lorelai: Since when are you scared of Rory? Cause seriously, Luke, I think you can take her.
- Luke Danes: I just need to tell you something. Can she hear us?
- Lorelai: Through the walls? No, I put some kryptonite in her waffles. We're good.
- Lane Kim: I am. I have decided to make this whole Seventh Day Adventist College experience a good one. I'm gonna look on the bright side, find the silver lining, and make myself some lemonade.
- Lorelai: Well, good for you.
- Rory: The campus looks pretty.
- Lorelai: Very pretty.
- Lane Kim: It's got two huge parks with gardens and lakes.
- Lorelai: Two parks.
- Lane Kim: One for boys and one for girls.
- Rory: Huh.
- Lane Kim: And you know, I had originally thought that this was gonna be a suffocating place with out of date rules and insane restrictions, but boy was I wrong. For example, curfew is up to 9:30. 9:45 if you're going for your Masters. Makeup will be permitted, as long as it identically matches your skin tone. And owning a Rolling Stones CD is no longer grounds for expulsion. You can work the demerits off in the campus clean-up crew.
- Lorelai: [still in disbelief] There's a separate park for boys?
- Lane Kim: [realizing] My life is over.
- Lorelai: [after seeing a brochure to Lane's college] Every kid in that brochure was awkward and panicked, it looked like the academy award audience during Michael Moore's speech.
- Lorelai: Tell me what college you finally landed on.
- Paris Geller: I didn't.
- Lorelai: Well, what's it between?
- Paris Geller: Princeton, Columbia, and Yale.
- Lorelai: Good choices.
- Paris Geller: I'm really not that interested in Columbia, but the thought of me going there horrifies my mother so I have to keep it in the mix, you know?
- Lorelai: Do I ever.
- Paris Geller: Princeton's a good school, but Jamie goes there.
- Lorelai: That's your boyfriend?
- Paris Geller: Yes. He goes there, and if I go there, it's going to look like I went there just to be with him. Suddenly I'm Felicity without the hair issues and I'm not terribly comfortable with that.
- Lorelai: But look at it like this - not going to a school you wanna go to just because your boyfriend is there is just as bad as going to a school you don't wanna go to just because your boyfriend isn't there.
- Lorelai: Okay, I'm sorry. I just, I finally realized that I can't do this anymore. I can't come back here anymore, I'm done.
- Rory: Well, I'm sorry. I never should've asked you to pick me up.
- Lorelai: It's okay. It's good, actually. Now I can stop feeling guilty for not talking to them. I can go back to the way things were before. We share a nose and that's it.
- Rory: [Lorelai stops the car at the red light] Oh, I can't believe you stopped.
- Lorelai: I can't believe you wanted me to go.
- Rory: There's no one around.
- Lorelai: Now no one's around, but the second I run that light, a police car, four helicopters, the Canadian mounties and the crew of Cops jump out of a dumpster and I'm toast.
- Rory: Paranoid.
- Lorelai: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, my friend.