- Dave Rygalski: I stayed up all night. I read the entire Bible cover to cover. I don't know what it means.
- Mrs. Kim: David.
- Dave Rygalski: You have to tell me what it means. Is it yes, is it no? I can't feel my right elbow anymore. I don't even know why, but I can't.
- Mrs. Kim: David.
- Dave Rygalski: Please, just tell me. I'm so tired.
- Mrs. Kim: It's not from the Bible.
- Dave Rygalski: What?
- Mrs. Kim: It's Shakespeare, Henry VI. I like to goof off now and then, too, you know.
- Dave Rygalski: Shakespeare.
- Mrs. Kim: That is a very difficult thing to do, reading the Bible in one night. I myself have only done it three times.
- Lorelai: Uh, so let's get back to the party recap. Any details you wanna tell Mommy?
- Rory: Jess and Dean got into the fight.
- Lorelai: Over you.
- Rory: I was a contributing factor.
- Lorelai: Was anyone hurt?
- Rory: No.
- Lorelai: And that's why the cops came and broke up the party?
- Rory: Yes.
- Lorelai: So not only did you go to a cop-raided party, but you started the raid?
- Rory: Yees.
- Lorelai: This fence is broken because of you. This crap is on the ground because of you!
- Rory: What's your point?
- Lorelai: [sings] Did you ever know that you're my hero, You're everything I wish I could be, If could fly higher than an eagle, You are the wind beneath my wings!
- Jess: I need ham.
- Ceaser: No ham.
- Jess: We got a shipment of ham yesterday!
- Ceaser: No ham.
- Jess: Ceasar, there is a lady over there that has been saying she wants ham for the last twenty minutes and if I go back there empty-handed, there is a fifty-fifty chance that she will eat me!
- Ceaser: No ham!
- Jess: Then sew some bacon together because that woman is getting ham!
- Miss Patty: [At Fran's funeral] You know, it's times like these that you realize what is truly important in your life. I'm so glad I had all that sex.
- Luke Danes: [to Jimmy Mariano, Jess' dad] I'm gonna put your head through a wall, any wall, you can pick the wall, but it will be a wall.
- Rory: [about Lane's backpack] I got it, we can go.
- Lorelai: Why are you holding it like that?
- Rory: Because when Lane left it here last night it was a very different colour.
- Lorelai: Are you sure she's gonna want that back? It's been left alone all night at a keg party, there's no getting it over that. That backpack is permanently scarred, that backpack is Zelda Fitzgerald.
- Rory: Well, Zelda's going home.
- Lorelai: Ok. Your first cop-raided party, I'm just so proud!
- Rory: Moom!
- Lorelai: I just wish I could've been there.
- Lorelai: Hey, Luke.
- Luke Danes: I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean.
- Lorelai: Sure, yeah.
- Rory: Ten minutes is great.
- Luke Danes: And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up.
- Lorelai: And then hopefully got your hearing checked.
- Luke Danes: Can I finish my story?
- Lorelai: I'm just saying, that's a lot of rings.
- Luke Danes: And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission. And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with "Tess". So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the hummel.