- Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia has joined a convent] Hello, Reverend Mother. My you look 'Holier than Thou' today.
- Mother Superior: Save it, Sister Suckup. How do you explain this note I found in the suggestion box?
- Sophia Petrillo: Well, you said we needed more money for the new chapel. I thought that would be a good fund-raiser.
- Mother Superior: A beefcake calendar of monks of the Midwest?
- Sophia Petrillo: Oh, come on, open up your mind.
- Blanche Devereaux: I can't believe anybody would want to be a nun. I mean, "Nun" - the word says it.
- Dorothy Zbornak: [after Sophia leaves to join a convent] God, I miss that woman. Say what you want about her, we all loved having her around.
- Rose Nylund: I miss someone to have a chat with at midnight.
- Blanche Devereaux: You know what I'm gonna miss most about Sophia? The way she used to tease me. The way she would ever-so-subtly jab me with names like, 'Tramp', 'Floozie', 'Trollop', 'Harlot', 'Magic Carpet Ride'.
- Rose Nylund: [everyone joins in the fun] 'The Human Luge'.
- Dorothy Zbornak: But she was never cuter than when she simply called you, 'Shore Leave'.
- Mother Superior: So, Dorothy, I'll bet you love your mother a lot.
- Dorothy Zbornak: Well, that depends. What has she done?
- Sophia Petrillo: I've always had a dream, a very private dream, one I never talked about. When I was growing up, I wanted to join the convent. Well, until I was seventeen.
- Rose Nylund: What happened then?
- Sophia Petrillo: [to Dorothy] Your father put his hand in my blouse.
- Blanche Devereaux: So?
- Sophia Petrillo: So, I felt soiled, filthy, dirty. You know, in love.
- Rose Nylund: Well, you're not gonna believe this. I've just been talking on the 'phone for a half hour, and guess what?
- Blanche Devereaux: You forgot to dial first?
- Rose Nylund: No.
- Dorothy Zbornak: You held the receiver upside down.
- Rose Nylund: Huh-uh.
- Dorothy Zbornak: It wasn't even the 'phone, it was the TV remote control.
- Rose Nylund: No.
- Blanche Devereaux: A shoe?
- Rose Nylund: Blanche, please, I'm not an idiot... The TV has a remote control?
- Dorothy Zbornak: Sister, is it all right if I sit in? I don't think my mother would mind.
- Sophia Petrillo: Think again!
- Dorothy Zbornak: I'd go outside, but there don't seem to be any SHADY PINES to sit under.
- Sophia Petrillo: [recognizing the threat] Pillow, pussycat?
- Blanche Devereaux: Can you imagine Rose is trying to blame the whole thing on me? That woman has one hell of a lot of nerve!
- [she finally notices the nun in the room]
- Blanche Devereaux: ... Hello. I'm a Baptist.