- Colonel Fred Patterson: [calling from the next room] Lilian! Where'd you put my tape of Patton? I wanna show it to the boys when they get back.
- Mrs. Lillian Patterson: I threw it out the window in St. Louis.
- Colonel Fred Patterson: If you're serious, we're going back to get it!
- Randy: [watching the movie "Patton", with babies Claire and Gracie on the Colonel's lap] Speaking of powerful, I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb.
- Nancy: There they are.
- The Colonel: They were crying, so I decided to calm them down by letting them watch Patton's invasion of North Africa.
- Nancy: At home we just put them to sleep with old 'Tool Time' tapes.
- Jill: [looks to the babies] Oh, somebody's stinking up the joint over here.
- Brad: [accusingly] Randy!
- Al: Merry Christmas. You know Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose. Cookies for its eyes. Licorice for its smile.
- Tim: That's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's Mom usually ate the snowman.
- Al: One year, she used the carrot to make coleslaw.