Home Improvement (TV Series)

The Long and Winding Road: Part 1 (1999)

Tim Allen: Tim Taylor

Photos 

Quotes 

• Tim Taylor : Brad, don't forget my car's in the shop. So I'm gonna take your car and drop you guys off at school.

  Bradley Michael Taylor : Wait, what makes you think you can just take my car just like that?

  Tim Taylor : Because I paid for half of it "just like that."

• Tim Taylor : Jill, we gotta talk.

  Jill Taylor : No, honey, I can't. I gotta go to this meeting with Dr. Hanover.

  Tim Taylor : This is very important, honey.

  Jill Taylor : Well, okay. So, what is it? Like, Morgan? He wants you to do another cheesy "Tool Time" and you don't want to do it, right?

  Tim Taylor : No. He wants all "Tool Times" to be cheesy. That's why tomorrow is my last show 'cause I quit.

  Jill Taylor : You quit? You quit the show?

  Tim Taylor : He pushed me too far. Today's show was one of those shock TV shows like Jerry Springer. Tomorrow, he wants me to start an electrical fire. I intentionally start fires, I lose all credibility.

• Tim Taylor : We figure we owe it to our fans to do one more show, but after tomorrow's show, I'm done.

  Jill Taylor : I am so sorry. Are you okay?

  Tim Taylor : No, I'm not okay! That's 10 years of my life. I loved that show. I just hope I can land on my feet.

  Jill Taylor : What are we gonna do for money?

  Tim Taylor : We've got some in savings.

  Jill Taylor : Yeah.

  Tim Taylor : I can put in more time at the hardware store.

  Jill Taylor : That's a way to spend money.

• Jill Taylor : [to Tim]  Honey, a very prestigious colleague of Dr. Hanover's has offered me a job at his family clinic in Bloomington.

  Tim Taylor : Must be a pretty screwed up family if they have their own clinic.

• Jill Taylor : [to Tim]  I can't believe this. For 20 years, my whole life has revolved around your career and I finally have an opportunity to start my own and you don't even have one.

  Tim Taylor : That's a low blow.

  Jill Taylor : It could get lower.

• Al Borland : Sorry I'm late. I was packing up Mother's house.

  Tim Taylor : That must've been hard for you, Al.

  Al Borland : Well, I got through it okay, but then Trudy came over, and we were going over the guest list for the wedding and I got this panic attack. I think I'm going through pre-marital stress.

  Tim Taylor : Ah, PMS.

• Morgan Wondell : Hey, guys. Excited about my big idea for today's show?

  Tim Taylor : How can we be excited about a show where we just talk, Morgan?

  Morgan Wondell : No, no. It's not just talk. It's Tim talk. And when Tim talks, people listen.

  Tim Taylor : Don't kiss up to me. That job is reserved for Borland.

  Al Borland : Yeah. You're gonna have to stand in line, pal.

• Al Borland : Butch, why don't you tell us all what you're into?

  Butch : Lubrication. I believe a good home is a quiet home. No squeaks, creaks or hums. So, I always keep a can or two of oil on hand.

  Sue : [scoffs]  A can or two? He oils everything we own. He's like the

  [bleep] 

  Sue : Tin Man.

  Tim Taylor : Hey, hey, hey, hey. Let's just try to settle down, okay?

  Al Borland : Tim's right. We don't allow off-color language on this show.

  Butch : That's right, Sue. So, shut your

  [bleep] 

  Butch : mouth.

  Tim Taylor : Would you?

  Sue : Oh, yeah?

  [Bleep, bleep] 

  Sue : And the horse you rode in on.

  Tim Taylor : Hey, Wandell, do something about this.

  Morgan Wondell : Yeah, you go, girl!

• Morgan Wondell : Awesome show, guys.

  Tim Taylor : What do you mean "awesome show"? I almost got killed out there.

  Morgan Wondell : Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Those gals were only supposed to threaten their husbands.

  Heidi Keppert : They were supposed to?

  Al Borland : Are you saying that this show was staged?

  Morgan Wondell : Yeah, yeah. It looked so real, didn't it? Oh, God, I'm good.

• Tim Taylor : Morgan, you have made a mockery of everything Channel 112 stands for. We're not doing any more shows like this.

  Al Borland : Yeah.

  Morgan Wondell : No. No, no. Of course not. We want to stay fresh. We keep the audience guessing. Eventually, we'll do some more of that building crap you like.

  Tim Taylor : Building crap? Hold on a second. That building crap... that building crap is what "Tool Time" has been about for the last 10 years.

  Morgan Wondell : All right. Well, now it's about ratings. And if you're not comfortable with that, we can go another way.

  Tim Taylor : What's that supposed to mean?

  Morgan Wondell : Well, it means that we can find a host that's on the same page that we are.

  Tim Taylor : Ooh. Are you threatening me, Morgan?

  Morgan Wondell : No. No, I'm just clarifying Binford's position.

• Tim Taylor : [to Morgan]  Well, let me clarify my position. You're not gonna take control of "Tool Time."

  Heidi Keppert : Yeah. I'm with Tim.

  Al Borland : Yeah. You tell him, Tim.

  Tim Taylor : That's right. If I have to, I'll just go above you. I'll talk to Bud.

  Morgan Wondell : All right. Well, you can talk to Bud all you want.

  Tim Taylor : I'm going to.

  Morgan Wondell : Well, do. It's not gonna do you much good.

  Tim Taylor : Sure it will.

  Morgan Wondell : Well, he's no longer with the company.

  Al Borland : What?

  Tim Taylor : Hold on a second. Bud wouldn't leave "Tool Time" without letting me know.

  Morgan Wondell : Let's see. He left, you didn't know about it. I guess he would leave without telling you.

  Tim Taylor : Well, as far as supervising "Tool Time" is concerned, who is above you now?

  Morgan Wondell : God.

  Tim Taylor : Well, look, if you're gonna turn this show into a three-ring circus, I might just quit.

  Morgan Wondell : Sorry to lose you. You were a good man.

• Tim Taylor : I'll buy a garage and start a classic car shop.

  Jill Taylor : You can't start a business from scratch. There's gonna be experts out there that have been doing it for years. It could take forever to turn a profit or, you know, you could just be a complete failure right out of the box.

  Tim Taylor : You're gonna make a great therapist.

• Tim Taylor : Jill, you're not gonna believe this. Sparky found a vacant spot in Woodridge that would be perfect for a classic car showroom.

  Jill Taylor : Well, I have another location in mind. How about opening a shop in Indiana?

  Tim Taylor : [chuckles]  Indiana wants me. Lord, I can't go back there.

• Tim Taylor : [to Jill]  You're serious about moving to Indiana?

  Jill Taylor : Yeah, well, I don't know. I mean, I want to consider it.

  Tim Taylor : What are they offering you? Ballpark.

  Jill Taylor : Well, it... it's not much, but there's potential for more later.

  Tim Taylor : Honey, honey. We're not moving to Indiana based on potential, okay?

  Jill Taylor : Well, you're not even gonna discuss this?

  Tim Taylor : What's to discuss? We live here. I mean, my mom is here, my brothers are here. My mechanics are here.

  Jill Taylor : So we're just gonna throw my career out the door because you don't want a stranger to change your oil?

  Tim Taylor : Give me some credit! There's more to it than that! How am I gonna follow the Lions, the Red Wings, the Pistons?

  Jill Taylor : Buy a paper!

  Tim Taylor : I don't want to read!

• Bradley Michael Taylor : I don't want to go to Indiana.

  Mark Taylor : Yeah. Me either.

  Bradley Michael Taylor : Neither will Randy. Have you even talked to him about it?

  Tim Taylor : Not yet. I don't think he wants to leave Costa Rica. I think some tribe found out he had a flashlight and turned him into a god.

• Jill Taylor : So, have a great Tool Time grande finale.

  Tim Taylor : It's gonna be really emotional.

  Jill Taylor : You have enough Kleenex?

  Tim Taylor : If not, I'm sure we have extra gauze.

• Tim Taylor : Hey, Mark, you gotta listen to this.

  Mark Taylor : Sure. As soon as I'm done watching this show.

  Tim Taylor : You're watching "Cooking with the Ragin' Cajun"?

  Mark Taylor : Dad, it's Gumbo Week.