Home Improvement (TV Series)

This Joke's for You (1993)

Tim Allen: Tim Taylor

Quotes 

• Randy : My dad's been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card.

  Tim : Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii.

• [Tim tries to conduct Tool Time without jokes, after Randy calls him a clown] 

  Al : Oh, I see. That wasn't in the plans either. While this buzzer sends thousands of volts coursing through my body while he stands back and says, "Remember the AL-amo". Then comes the uncalled for slams against my mother. How she shops in the *husky* section. How she cleared out the all-you-can-eat buffet. Just go ahead say it...

  [shouting] 

  Al : ...my mother is a big fat cow.

  Tim : [after pause]  Goodness gracious, Al.

• Tim : I want to talk to you.

  Randy : Why didn't you just call me on the intercom? Or is it still picking up ambulance calls?

  Tim : You really bust my chops sometimes.

  Randy : Well you make it so easy, Dad.

• Wilson : Parents are the bone on which children sharpen their teeth. What I'm saying is that when a boy is young, he worships his father and in order for the boy to become a man, he's got to see his father as a fallible human being and stop seeing him as a god.

  [Later] 

  Tim : Where's Randy? I got to talk to him. I just found out I'm not God.

  Jill : Oh Tim, I'm so sorry.

  Tim : [to Randy]  I know what's going on here. You're at the point in your life where you have to clean your teeth on my bones.

• Randy : Did you rebel against your father?

  Tim : He died before I could be a real jerk.

  Randy : He'd be proud if he could see you now.

• Tim : Listen, what do you think Nana called Mom when she was little?

  Mark : Jill?

  Tim : No, a name that might annoy her.

  Brad : Tim.

  Tim : Back off. Okay, when she was real little, Nana used to call her...

  Jill : [Over intercom]  Don't even think about it, Tim.

• Tim : Today is the day.

  Jill : That you come to your senses and realize we don't need an intercom?

  Tim : The day I come to my senses is a long way off.

• Tim : Thank you, I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al... Borland.

  Al : What's the matter, no stupid middle name? Is it my birthday?

  Tim : We don't always have to joke around, you know, this isn't Fool Time.

• Tim : I can burp with the best of them. I can fling ear wax from thirty feet across the room.

  Jill : That's why I married you.

• Randy : Oh yeah, Dad, by the way I'm still getting the all-Spanish station through my intercom.

  Tim : Real funny. Don't quit your day job.

  Jill : That was real adult.

  Tim : Well he started it.

• Jill : Mom called me a nickname and she always called me this nickname. She said it when I was 14, we just moved to a new place and she said it right in front of all my new friends. I was so mad at her. The mean things I called her.

  Tim : Never mind what you called her, what did she call you?

  Jill : Oh right, like I'm really gonna tell you. You have to swear that you won't breathe a word of it to anyone.

  Tim : Cross my heart and hope to die. Hope a wrench hits me right in the eye.

  Jill : Jilly Dilly.

  [Tim laughs] 

  Jill : I don't want to hear that name in this house ever again.

  Tim : I may have to say it on Tool Time.

• Tim : For the next couple years you're not going to be yourself.

  Randy : Who am I going to be?

  Tim : A little wise guy that smarts off to people that a lot of people think is a real jerk.

  Randy : Chip off the old block, eh?

• Tim : I don't want you making jokes about my job, or about me getting hurt and screwing things up. Anything that makes me look bad.

  Randy : What is left to joke about?

  Tim : Mom.

• Tim : Guys, wanna hear something real funny about your mother?

  Randy : She's not really married to you?

  Tim : How long do you want to stay up in your room?

  Randy : Don't blame me. It was adolescence.