It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (TV Series)

Charlie Wants an Abortion (2005)

Charlie Day: Charlie Kelly

Photos 

Quotes 

• Charlie Kelly : Today's a big day for me, Tommy.

  Tommy : Why?

  Charlie Kelly : Well, today is probably the best chance I'm ever gonna have of hooking up with this girl, so, uh... Look at me, look at me for a second, pal.

  [kneels] 

  Charlie Kelly : Okay, do me a favor. If you're good today, I'm gonna buy you anything you want. Anything in the world, all right?

  [Tommy spits on Charlie] 

  Charlie Kelly : Oh, my God! I will smash your face into a... into a jelly!

• Dee Reynolds : Did you have sex with her?

  Charlie Kelly : Yeah.

  Dee Reynolds : Well, did you use birth control?

  Dennis Reynolds : Whoa, Dee, we're from a Catholic school.

  Dee Reynolds : So, premarital sex is all right, but you're not allowed to use birth control?

  Charlie Kelly : Okay, now you're just twisting words around and getting cute.

• Tommy : You're ugly.

  Charlie Kelly : You're ugly.

  Tommy : You're ugly!

  Charlie Kelly : You are the one that's ugly!

  Dee Reynolds : Charlie, Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30? Are you almost 30 years old?

  Charlie Kelly : Yes.

  Tommy : You have to buy me a toy.

  Charlie Kelly : I don't have to buy you shit!

  Tommy : If you don't buy me anything, I'm gonna telly my mom you took me to a black people's hospital!

• Tommy : What is this place?

  Charlie Kelly : Uh... this is a place where we're gonna see a special friend of mine.

  Tommy : Why?

  Charlie Kelly : Because he's going to help us figure something very important out. It's gonna be good to know.

  Tommy : Why?

  Charlie Kelly : Because I said so. No more questions, okay buddy?

  Tommy : Why?

  Charlie Kelly : Stop saying "why".

  Tommy : Why?

  Charlie Kelly : Stop it. I don't like this game.

  Tommy : Why?

  Charlie Kelly : Is this a game? Are you taunting me with a game?

  Tommy : Why?

• Dee Reynolds : Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours?

  Charlie Kelly : Oh, I don't know, I'll probably, uh, kill myself.

• [last lines] 

  Charlie Kelly : Jimmy Doyle?

  Jimmy Doyle : Yeah? Who are you?

  Charlie Kelly : Charlie Kelly.

  Jimmy Doyle : Yeah? Do I know you?

  Charlie Kelly : From high school.

  Jimmy Doyle : Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize you without all your acne.

  Charlie Kelly : [chuckles]  All right, I need to talk to you about your kid.

  Jimmy Doyle : Why?

  Charlie Kelly : Uh, let's see. Because your kid, Tommy, has serious emotional problems.

  Jimmy Doyle : Why?

  Charlie Kelly : Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you're not there for him as a father.

  Jimmy Doyle : Why?

  Charlie Kelly : [short pause; double take]  Are you kidding me? Is this your little game? Like father, like son?

  Jimmy Doyle : Why?

  Charlie Kelly : Is this what you're doing? Is this what you're doing to me?

  Jimmy Doyle : Why?