- Dennis Finch: Hey, Maya, your friend Woody Allen is on his way up. Should I push back your 4:00 with Foghorn Leghorn?
- Maya Gallo: Haven't you ever wanted to have a deep intellectual conversation with someone other than Claudia Schiffer?
- Dennis Finch: David Copperfield. I wanna know how that windblown freak got Claudia Schiffer.
- Nina Van Horn: You know whose brain I've always wanted to pick? Gore Vidal.
- Maya Gallo: Wow, impressive. Gore Vidal.
- Nina Van Horn: Did I say Gore Vidal? I meant Vidal Sassoon.
- Dennis Finch: Maya Gallo, presenting the great Woody Allen.
- Woody Allen: Please, the great Woody will do fine.
- Dennis Finch: Also, Mark Twain called, can't make it for racquetball.
- Woody Allen: Maya, come have dinner with me. I know this place that's so trendy the waiters insult themselves.
- Elliot DiMauro: You should watch out, pal.
- Woody Allen: You better watch out... cause that's a nice shirt and I'm a bleeder.
- Maya Gallo: Very funny, but to quote the real Woody Allen, if you'll excuse me, I'm due back on Planet Earth.
- Woody Allen: I love it when women quote me.
- Nina Van Horn: Uh-oh. If these are my eye drops, then what did I give Jack?
- [Jack screams]
- Elliot DiMauro: Minty fresh corneas?
- Maya Gallo: Woody, we need to talk.
- Woody Allen: Geez. That's what the guys at Orion said when they showed me the grosses for Zelig.
- Woody Allen: [talking to the camera] So that's how it ended. She was a great girl, maybe even the love of my life, but that's the way it goes.
- Maya Gallo: What are you doing?
- Woody Allen: I did see her one more time.
- Dennis Finch: Maya, Woody Allen again.
- Maya Gallo: Urgh! I told you not to call me until you got help!
- Woody Allen: [on phone] Uh, I'm holding for Maya Gallo.
- Maya Gallo: Preston, I know it's you! You don't even sound like Woody Allen anymore!
- Woody Allen: Preston? Who-who's Preston? This is Woody Allen. I just called to say that I read your piece and I think that you're a great writer.
- [as Woody talks, Preston appears with a bouquet of flowers; Maya stands aghast as he sees him and realizes she has been talking to the real Woody Allen]
- Woody Allen: [a.k.a Preston] Hi.
- Woody Allen: Although, you know, not the best conversationalist.
- Elliot DiMauro: Got any gum?
- Nina Van Horn: I have some breath freshener. A lady's always prepared.
- Elliot DiMauro: Yeah, for a sobriety test.
- Jack Gallo: I can't wait to tell my wife I was just in the men's room with Woody Allen.
- Woody Allen: I can't wait to go home and change my shoes.
- Maya Gallo: [catches "Woody" spying through her window and screams] What are you doing?
- Woody Allen: At the moment, I'm having a major heart attack. I haven't heard screaming like that since I told Tony Roberts he couldn't be in Purple Rose of Cairo.
- Woody Allen: I know why you don't like me. You're an anti-semite. Why don't you go to your dark room and develop the master race?