King of the Hill (TV Series)

Hank's Dirty Laundry (1998)

Mike Judge: Hank Hill, Boomhauer

Quotes 

• Hank Hill : Who's calling me a liar, you or the machine? Cause I wanna know who's ass to kick!

  Clerk : I'm not calling you a liar, sir.

  Hank Hill : Fine. Now where's the "ass" on this thing?

• Receptionist : [about Hank]  Do you know this guy?

  Boomhauer : No dad gum way man, he's just some dirty old man hanging around with sex toys, you can come on down to my place if you're interested.

• Judge : And let the record show that Mr. Hank Hill really knows his pornography.

  Hank Hill : Thank you, Your Honor!

• [Hank is in court disputing renting a porno tape] 

  Hank Hill : Cuffs and Collars, the tape I never rented. Sixty-eight minutes into the film, actress Dee Dee Cupp bends over to shoe her horse. Now, if you pause the tape and look closely, you can just make out a tattoo on Dee Dee's left buttock that says "I heart Charlie Sheen." Mrs. Cupp also makes an uncredited cameo in Jail Bait, a tape which marks veteran porn star Fernanda Valli's return to the adult film industry on the occasion of her eighteenth birthday. At the seventy minute mark, Dee Dee bends over to shoe a donkey. What do we see on her left buttock? Nothing! There is no tattoo! This can only mean that Jail Bait was made before Cuffs and Collars. Now, why is this important? Because Fernanda Valli turned eighteen on July fifth, two weeks after I supposedly rented Cuffs and Collars! Is it possible that I walked into Arlen Video on June twenty-third and rented a movie that didn't even exist? I think not!

• Bill Dauterive : I'm glad I'm not the only one who is disgusted by pornography. It's offensive! It's demeaning! It creates a standard of idealized beauty that your average man can't compete with.

  Hank Hill : Don't worry, Bill, I'm not going to let my credit and good name be done in by a damn computer error.

  Dale Gribble : Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as The Beast.

  Hank Hill : Dale, I'm having a problem with one videotape, not some high-tech boogeyman.

  Dale Gribble : You just be careful. Computers have already beaten the Communists at chess. Next thing you know, they'll be beating humans.

• Hank Hill : It's important that you believe me when I say I didn't rent the tape.

  Peggy Hill : Honey, okay, I believe you. I just have one question: Did you rent the tape?

• Hank Hill : I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned "The Great Santini" twenty-three times.