- Bobby Hill: You know, if I did something like this you'd punish me. Maybe I should be able to punish you.
- Hank: Well okay, Son. What's my punishment? Am I grounded?
- Bobby Hill: That's too easy. You cannot mow the lawn for one week.
- Hank: Aw come on, Son, it was an accident.
- Bobby Hill: You wanna go for two?
- Hank: I want you to promise me you won't ever do drugs, Bobby.
- Bobby Hill: I promise!
- Hank: A promise means *nothing* when a junkie tricks you into smoking a joint, when you think it's a cigarette, which you shouldn't smoke either, now promise me! Promise me, Bobby!
- Bobby Hill: OK, OK, I promise!
- Hank: [sighs] Promises mean nothing.
- Bobby Hill: Look Dad, I'm not gonna use drugs cuz drugs are for losers and I'd never wanna disappoint you. Plus, I wanna be the first chubby comic to live past 35.
- Kahn Souphanousinphone, Sr.: [to Hank] Hey, Charlie Manson, can I get your autograph on this Sugarfoot napkin I pull out of dumpster? If you murderer, I auction it on Ebay for big bucks.
- Buck Strickland: Evening Hank. Whatcha busying yourself with there?
- Hank: Uh, just throwing out some expired sand. Garbage cans at home are full...