- Shiny Parks bill collector: Sir, if you're callin' me a liar, you better be holding somethin' stronger than an umbrella.
- Hank: 9-iron?
- Shiny Parks bill collector: Y'all have a nice day.
- Bobby Hill: Ooh, laundry. Hot off the dryer.
- [Bobby rubs a fresh pair of briefs on his face, pulls them on, takes off his nightshirt and runs out of the room]
- Hank: 6 AM and already the boy ain't right.
- Hank: Just in case I'm incapacitated for some reason, do you know how to start a man's heart with a downed power line?
- Bobby Hill: No.
- Hank: Well, there's really no wrong way to do it.
- Dale Gribble: This is no time for jokes, Boomhauer. This tornado's already classified at level 2 on the Fujisaki scale. Storm that strong'll send an egg through a barn door. Two barn doors if one of 'em's open.
- Bobby Hill: What will a level three do, Mr. Gribble?
- Dale Gribble: Level three will send an egg through a *brick wall." Tornado chasers call it "Humpty's Revenge."
- Hank: You're my best girl. You mean everything to me. When we were apart today, that was hell. I couldn't wake up in the morning without your beautiful face beside me. I love you... and Bobby and Luanne to a lesser extent.
- Dale Gribble: You know how the Egyptians tipped over the pyramids? A rope, a cinderblock and 50,000 Hebrew slaves. Do you have a cinder block?
- Bill Dauterive: I could get you a tank from the Army base. There's nothing better for pushing... except for a bulldozer, but they lock those up.
- Luanne Platter: Do you think that Alex Trebek is sexy, Aunt Peggy?
- Peggy Hill: Get out of my mind, Luanne.
- Peggy Hill: Well, they asked me to substitute for a German class, and I said, 'nein,' which I thought meant 'yes,' but apparently 'nein' means 'no,' so I blew a big opportunity.
- Nancy Gribble: I get to anchor eyewitness weather tonight. There's high winds blowin', might be a tornado. This could be the disaster I been waitin' for, so keep your fingers crossed.
- Dale Gribble: Well what about my supper?
- Nancy Gribble: I left a carton of cigarettes on the table.
- Dale Gribble: I think I'll keep her.
- Dale Gribble: You better hang on to that camcorder real good cuz I'm drivin' right up next to that twister. Hard Copy's payin' 500 bucks for flyin' cow video.
- Hank: Bobby, do you know how to start a man's heart with a downed power line?
- Bobby Hill: No.
- Hank: Well, there's really no wrong way to do it...