L.A. Law (TV Series)

Beef Jerky (1987)

Bernie Hern: Judge Sidney Schroeder

Quotes 

• Grace Van Owen : [the trial about stolen bull semen]  Now, Professor L'Hommedieu, could you please describe for the court the manner in which these sperm samples are collected?

  Prof. Philip L'Hommedieu : Well, the first of the two methods is electro-ejaculation. However that's rather an aversive experience for the animal, and the far more common technique is to...

  Defense Attorney : [Interrupting]  Objection to the question, your honor. and I renew my objection as to the admissibility of Professor L'Hommedieu's testimony in general. What's at issue here is whether my client stole it and how much it was worth. The manner in which the bull expresses himself is of no relevance whatsoever.

  Prof. Philip L'Hommedieu : Tell that to the bull.

  Grace Van Owen : Your honor, it's imperative that the jury understands the intricate process involved here.

  Defense Attorney : Come on, we all know how it works.

  Grace Van Owen : It's not that simple, judge. They don't just send the bull behind the hayloft with a magazine and a baggie.

  Judge Sidney Schroeder : Ms. Van Owen...

  Grace Van Owen : It is a protracted and expensive process, your honor. One which the dairy industry takes very seriously.

  Judge Sidney Schroeder : Look, I'll let him briefly describe it, but keep it short.

  Grace Van Owen : Thank you, your honor. Please continue, Professor.

  Prof. Philip L'Hommedieu : Certainly. The bull is led from the pen into a collection area. If he's an experienced animal, he knows what's coming. So he's already in a state of excitation.

  Grace Van Owen : [With an awkward reaction]  What happens next?

  Prof. Philip L'Hommedieu : By this time, a technician has tethered a stimulus. Oh, I should add that, uh, most of the time, a male stimulus is used to prevent accidental intramission.

  Grace Van Owen : [Grimacing]  You mean the bull will engage with another male?

  Prof. Philip L'Hommedieu : A sexually naive animal, no. But a mature bull will mount almost anything.

  Judge Sidney Schroeder : [Through restrained chuckling]  Ms. Van Owen...

  Grace Van Owen : [Likewise]  We're almost finished, your honor.

  Prof. Philip L'Hommedieu : After the bull mounts, the animal technician takes hold of his...

  [He turns to Judge Schroeder] 

  Prof. Philip L'Hommedieu : Can I say the "P" word?

  Judge Sidney Schroeder : Just continue.

  [Judge Schroeder holds a hand to his mouth] 

  Prof. Philip L'Hommedieu : He takes hold of the member and inserts it into an artificial...

  [He turns to Judge Schroeder again] 

  Prof. Philip L'Hommedieu : Can I say the "V" word?

  Judge Sidney Schroeder : Counsel...

  [Judge Schroeder stands up] 

  Judge Sidney Schroeder : ... in my chambers. Right now.

  [Judge Schroeder enters his chambers and Grace and the Defense Attorney join him. Upon Schroeder shutting the door behind him, all three laugh hysterically and blushingly]