Photos
Quotes
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Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger : Boy, seeing the way you guys work with the wounded, the way you deal with burned up legs, ripped up bellies. Makes me proud every time I throw up.
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Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger : [On getting drafted] Me they had to have. I said I was nuts. They said what's your religion, I said Aztec. They said stop joking, I said bring me a virgin, I'll cut her heart out. They looked into my ears, I said Ahh. They said stick out your tongue, I pulled down my pants. They called in the psychiatrist, I kissed him on the mouth. Know what the guy in charge said? Keep this up and we'll make you an officer!
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Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : All right. I think that's all. Copper sulfate.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : This stuff coats and neutralizes the little bits of phosphorous that might still be in the leg. It helps to see where they are.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : How do you keep all that stuff in your head?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You wear earplugs so it doesn't leak out.
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Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Get all their personal possessions, Corporal. Make sure they get a receipt and file copies of your copy in triplicate.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : [sighs] Major, I done this a hundred times. I write to my mother in triplicate. I got triplicate on the brain. Somebody wants change for a ten, I give 'em three fives.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Get moving.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Yes, ma'am, times three.
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The Sergeant : Hey, I fell asleep. Where can I find my buddy?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Your buddy's got a name?
The Sergeant : Bender. Jack Bender.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Try the hospital.
The Sergeant : Where's that?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Two doors down. It's a beautiful white building with the statue of Lionel Barrymore in front.
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Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : [a laundry basket has caught fire] Criminy! Klinger, look at that!
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : How'd that happen?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : How do I know? Douse it, will ya?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Stand back.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : [Klinger throws a tray of liquid on the fire, which then explodes] Hey, are you crazy?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : I thought it was water.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : It's alcohol!
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Can you imagine what that does to your stomach?
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Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Clean out the sink. In the middle of a war, I couldn't care less who wins. For my money, I'll give you Red China and six points, or the other way around, and now they got me scrubbing sinks. It's crazy, right? No. Being in is sane. You know my problem? I played hard to get. You do that, and the army's got to have you. Kid from my neighborhood -really nuts- Archie Jagloff. He fell into a sewer when he was little. He was always a little jerky after that. Grew up to be a Nazi. No kidding. Tried to volunteer, join up. Couldn't wait to come here, drop anything from an A-bomb to a Z-bomb. The army turned him down, said he had flat feet. You know how he got flat feet? Goose-stepping in his basement.