- Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Boy, seeing the way you guys work with the wounded, the way you deal with burned up legs, ripped up bellies. Makes me proud every time I throw up.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Col. Potter is showering. Margaret walks in] Colonel Potter, I want to see you.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: One step closer, and you'll get the whole picture.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I really wasn't expecting more wounded! General MacArthur said the fighting would be over by Christmas.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Yeah, but he didn't say what year.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Actually, he was referring to the fighting between himself and Mrs. MacArthur. She's got an entirely different idea on how the war should be run.
- Maj. Frank Burns: This is not a war. It's a police action.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: If it's a police action, why didn't they send cops?
- Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: [On getting drafted] Me they had to have. I said I was nuts. They said what's your religion, I said Aztec. They said stop joking, I said bring me a virgin, I'll cut her heart out. They looked into my ears, I said Ahh. They said stick out your tongue, I pulled down my pants. They called in the psychiatrist, I kissed him on the mouth. Know what the guy in charge said? Keep this up and we'll make you an officer!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Hey, put out that cigarette. There's a lot of ether in there.
- The Sergeant: Hey, I'm a sergeant, fella.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: And I'm a captain, fella. Which means if we're blown up, I'll fly higher than you. So put it out.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [trying to make a trade for plasma with another unit] Okay. Hold on now. Listen. This is gonna be a little rough, Dusty. I broke my glasses, and it's like looking through an ice cube. Uh, how would you like some, uh... Wait a minute. Hey, would you like some jeep butter? No. No. That's, uh, uh, jeep batteries. We got two extra. No, huh? Well, let's see. We got Bunsen burners, throat swabs. Hey! You can't pass this up. The quartermaster made a mistake and sent us 5,000 extra rolls of toilet paper... Yeah. Well, I know it's a lot but... maybe you could start your own newspaper.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: All right. I think that's all. Copper sulfate.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: This stuff coats and neutralizes the little bits of phosphorous that might still be in the leg. It helps to see where they are.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: How do you keep all that stuff in your head?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You wear earplugs so it doesn't leak out.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I, for one, am glad the Chinese have finally gotten into the show. We'll obliterate them all.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: All 600 million, Frank?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, most of 'em don't wanna be Reds anyway.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Then why kill 'em?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, they can't have it both ways.
- [last lines]
- P.A. Announcer: [Montage of each member of the camp, exhausted after their long session] Attention, all personnel. By direction of the Secretary of the Army under AR220315, the Meritorious Unit Commendation is awarded to the Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, 4077 unit, for exceptionally meritorious conduct in the performance of outstanding services. Despite the necessity of working in a forward area under adverse field conditions, this hospital maintained the highest professional standards at all times. The ability, loyalty and esprit de corps exhibited by this hospital reflects great credit on each and every member.
- Maj. Frank Burns: The laundry is on fire.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I was wondering when things would get interesting.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Get all their personal possessions, Corporal. Make sure they get a receipt and file copies of your copy in triplicate.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [sighs] Major, I done this a hundred times. I write to my mother in triplicate. I got triplicate on the brain. Somebody wants change for a ten, I give 'em three fives.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Get moving.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes, ma'am, times three.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Creeps.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Who, sir?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Colonels. You can't trust any of 'em. They're just THIS far from making general. They can taste those stars. They'll do anything to get 'em. Never mind if they don't deserve 'em, if they don't know their brass from their elbows. Captains and majors are okay. They're too far away. They don't have to make points. And generals usually relax once they've made it... although I had one in the cavalry ordered all horses corked before parades.
- The Sergeant: Hey, I fell asleep. Where can I find my buddy?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Your buddy's got a name?
- The Sergeant: Bender. Jack Bender.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Try the hospital.
- The Sergeant: Where's that?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Two doors down. It's a beautiful white building with the statue of Lionel Barrymore in front.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [a laundry basket has caught fire] Criminy! Klinger, look at that!
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: How'd that happen?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: How do I know? Douse it, will ya?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Stand back.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [Klinger throws a tray of liquid on the fire, which then explodes] Hey, are you crazy?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I thought it was water.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: It's alcohol!
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Can you imagine what that does to your stomach?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Clean out the sink. In the middle of a war, I couldn't care less who wins. For my money, I'll give you Red China and six points, or the other way around, and now they got me scrubbing sinks. It's crazy, right? No. Being in is sane. You know my problem? I played hard to get. You do that, and the army's got to have you. Kid from my neighborhood -really nuts- Archie Jagloff. He fell into a sewer when he was little. He was always a little jerky after that. Grew up to be a Nazi. No kidding. Tried to volunteer, join up. Couldn't wait to come here, drop anything from an A-bomb to a Z-bomb. The army turned him down, said he had flat feet. You know how he got flat feet? Goose-stepping in his basement.