Married... with Children (TV Series)
'Tis Time to Smell the Roses (1993)
Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy
Photos
Quotes
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[Al is at an employment office talking with the super-obese social worker ironically named Ms. Blaub]
Al Bundy : And so, uh, Miss, uh... Blaub.
Ms. Blaub : "Ms." Blaub.
Al Bundy : Uh, yeah, I'm sorry, uh, your name was partially obscured by some, uh... errant flesh. Uh, as I was saying, I-I'm just not going to take anything, unlike you at a buffet. So, um, uh, what do you have for me?
Ms. Blaub : Some Mennen Speed Stick in my desk?
Al Bundy : Well, uh, let me give you a little tip: it goes under your arms... if you can ever get them horizontal.
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Ms. Blaub : Did you go to high school?
Al Bundy : Polk High. And while I find you fat and repulsive, I'll gladly regale you with tales of my four touchdowns in one game.
Ms. Blaub : [sarcastic] Oh, how rare it is to have someone who played high school football in an employment office.
Al Bundy : Look, Blob...
Ms. Blaub : Blaub!
Al Bundy : I know your name. It was a... descriptive term. Now look, I'm putting myself in your sweaty, bloated hands. I'm looking for a career, not just a job. You know, like a... a doctor or a guy who plays with hooters all day.
Ms. Blaub : That would be an anesthesiologist.
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Al Bundy : All right, fine. We'll have a vote. Who doesn't want me to have my money?
[Peggy, Kelly, Bud, and even Charlene Tilton raises their hands]
Al Bundy : Now that hurts, Charlene. All right. I now know what I have to do.
[Al takes off his shirt revealing his muscular, untoned build]
Peggy Bundy : Oh, Al, you're so cute. You're gonna try to earn it by having sex with me.
Al Bundy : No, Peg, nope. I'm gonna take my pants off, get a lawn chair, and sit in my underwear over at...
[to Bud]
Al Bundy : YOUR college. Tell everybody I'm your father.
[Kelly laughs until Al approaches her]
Al Bundy : And then I'm gonna go over your diner where you work, pull up my Hanes. Tell them all I'm YOUR father.
[Al goes to Peggy]
Al Bundy : And then I'm going to go prancing around your beauty parlor. Oh, and did I mention by then I won't be wearing any underwear?
[to Charlene Tilton]
Al Bundy : And then, just for the heck of it, I'm gonna have a big sign that says: "I've been using the Abdomenizer two years, and this is what I look like!"
[Charlene Tilton turns away with dread along with the rest of Peggy, Kelly and Bud]
Al Bundy : Now let's vote. Who wants Daddy to get his money?
[intimidated, Peggy, Kelly, Bud, and Charlene Tilton all raise their hands]
Al Bundy : I knew you were all behind me!
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Al Bundy : Now, Peg, I know you can never guess, so I'm just gonna tell you. I want to buy a shoe store. It's a gold mine. No, I do not want your opinion. Give me the money.
Peggy Bundy : Al, what woman would give her husband his money? Honey, it just isn't done.
Al Bundy : Peg, I need it and I need it now, baby! Can't you see, Peg? I'm actually really excited about something.
Peggy Bundy : Well, believe me, Al, I am the expert on this. Wait about 30 seconds, you won't be anymore.
Al Bundy : Uh, Peg, I'm not gonna beg for it. It's my money and I demand it.
[Peggy ignores Al]
Al Bundy : Peg, I'm begging you for it! Give me my money!
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Al Bundy : Peg, I now know what's been holding me back all these years.
Peggy Bundy : [to Kelly and Bud] Mm, that would be us. I bet he has a new plan to change his future.
Al Bundy : I should have killed you years ago.
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Al Bundy : I didn't work 20 years to pay off a Visa bill. Creditors don't get one penny. How dare they expect us to pay for five-year-old items? I mean, if they're stupid enough to give me credit, let them raise their interest and let the honest people pay for it!
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Charlene Tilton : If you really want to change your future, start with your stomach. Why, I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe in it.
Al Bundy : Oh, come on! You'd be here for a slice of cheese on a Ritz cracker.
