- [Al is at an employment office talking with the super-obese social worker ironically named Ms. Blaub]
- Al Bundy: And so, uh, Miss, uh... Blaub.
- Ms. Blaub: "Ms." Blaub.
- Al Bundy: Uh, yeah, I'm sorry, uh, your name was partially obscured by some, uh... errant flesh. Uh, as I was saying, I-I'm just not going to take anything, unlike you at a buffet. So, um, uh, what do you have for me?
- Ms. Blaub: Some Mennen Speed Stick in my desk?
- Al Bundy: Well, uh, let me give you a little tip: it goes under your arms... if you can ever get them horizontal.
- Ms. Blaub: Did you go to high school?
- Al Bundy: Polk High. And while I find you fat and repulsive, I'll gladly regale you with tales of my four touchdowns in one game.
- Ms. Blaub: [sarcastic] Oh, how rare it is to have someone who played high school football in an employment office.
- Al Bundy: Look, Blob...
- Ms. Blaub: Blaub!
- Al Bundy: I know your name. It was a... descriptive term. Now look, I'm putting myself in your sweaty, bloated hands. I'm looking for a career, not just a job. You know, like a... a doctor or a guy who plays with hooters all day.
- Ms. Blaub: That would be an anesthesiologist.
- Al Bundy: All right, fine. We'll have a vote. Who doesn't want me to have my money?
- [Peggy, Kelly, Bud, and even Charlene Tilton raises their hands]
- Al Bundy: Now that hurts, Charlene. All right. I now know what I have to do.
- [Al takes off his shirt revealing his muscular, untoned build]
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, Al, you're so cute. You're gonna try to earn it by having sex with me.
- Al Bundy: No, Peg, nope. I'm gonna take my pants off, get a lawn chair, and sit in my underwear over at...
- [to Bud]
- Al Bundy: YOUR college. Tell everybody I'm your father.
- [Kelly laughs until Al approaches her]
- Al Bundy: And then I'm gonna go over your diner where you work, pull up my Hanes. Tell them all I'm YOUR father.
- [Al goes to Peggy]
- Al Bundy: And then I'm going to go prancing around your beauty parlor. Oh, and did I mention by then I won't be wearing any underwear?
- [to Charlene Tilton]
- Al Bundy: And then, just for the heck of it, I'm gonna have a big sign that says: "I've been using the Abdomenizer two years, and this is what I look like!"
- [Charlene Tilton turns away with dread along with the rest of Peggy, Kelly and Bud]
- Al Bundy: Now let's vote. Who wants Daddy to get his money?
- [intimidated, Peggy, Kelly, Bud, and Charlene Tilton all raise their hands]
- Al Bundy: I knew you were all behind me!
- Al Bundy: Now, Peg, I know you can never guess, so I'm just gonna tell you. I want to buy a shoe store. It's a gold mine. No, I do not want your opinion. Give me the money.
- Peggy Bundy: Al, what woman would give her husband his money? Honey, it just isn't done.
- Al Bundy: Peg, I need it and I need it now, baby! Can't you see, Peg? I'm actually really excited about something.
- Peggy Bundy: Well, believe me, Al, I am the expert on this. Wait about 30 seconds, you won't be anymore.
- Al Bundy: Uh, Peg, I'm not gonna beg for it. It's my money and I demand it.
- [Peggy ignores Al]
- Al Bundy: Peg, I'm begging you for it! Give me my money!
- Charlene Tilton: [about the Abdomenizer] It's easy and fun!
- Bud Bundy: You've just described me, you former Dallas cutie. I like to call myself... Abdomenizer B. But, uh, I don't need no stinkin' exerciser, I get plenty of exercise up in my room.
- Charlene Tilton: Yes, but with the Abdomenizer, for the first time you could have some company.
- Al Bundy: Peg, I now know what's been holding me back all these years.
- Peggy Bundy: [to Kelly and Bud] Mm, that would be us. I bet he has a new plan to change his future.
- Al Bundy: I should have killed you years ago.
- Al Bundy: I didn't work 20 years to pay off a Visa bill. Creditors don't get one penny. How dare they expect us to pay for five-year-old items? I mean, if they're stupid enough to give me credit, let them raise their interest and let the honest people pay for it!
- Charlene Tilton: If you really want to change your future, start with your stomach. Why, I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe in it.
- Al Bundy: Oh, come on! You'd be here for a slice of cheese on a Ritz cracker.