- DCI Tom Barnaby: [they have just turned uphill at a T-junction] Stop, Troy, stop. We go down the hill, Troy.
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: I thought we were going to Upper Warden.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Yeah, we are.
- [points to signpost]
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Upper Warden is down the hill; Lower Warden is up the hill
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: That doesn't make any sense.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Troy, this is Midsomer.
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: Sorry. I forgot.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: I have to ask the obvious question. Did your brother Frank have any enemies?
- Rupert Smythe-Webster: Apparently. Otherwise he'd still be alive.
- Murdoch: Is it true a local man is helping with your enquiries?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, if he is it'll be a first.
- Rupert Smythe-Webster: It's God's will, Simon.
- Simon Smythe-Webster: No, it isn't. It's your will.
- Rupert Smythe-Webster: In Upper Warden it's all the same thing.
- [last lines]
- DCI Tom Barnaby: This your bookmark?
- Joyce Barnaby: Probably.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh, no, it's not. Danny's meatball recipe.
- Joyce Barnaby: [sighs] He seemed a nice boy.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Oh yeah, everybody liked him.
- Frank Webster: [referring to his family traditions] ... the youngest goes off to the Crusades, but I decided to join the Godless infidels and became a movie producer.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: You produced "The House of Satan."
- Frank Webster: The highest grossing U.K.-financed movie of the last decade.
- Simon Smythe-Webster: Gross is an appropriate word.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: I've been bullied by the media into holding a press conference. Would you mind taking part please?
- Frank Webster: My pleasure. All publicity is good publicity.
- Sarah Proudie: I didn't reject the Bible without reading it first. What sort of woman do you think I am?
- Jack Wilson: We're talking about Upper Warden and Lower Warden... We've been murdering each other here since the time of Cromwell. We're not going to change now!
- Jack Wilson: Back to normal then.
- Darren: Normal's a bit weird around here, isn't it Mr. Wilson?
- Jack Wilson: No, Darren, weird's another place.
- Frank Webster: What did you expect?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, I probably expected a little more grief from the bereaved, with the possible exception of his mother.
- Frank Webster: You could put it down to the stiff upper lip of the English ruling class. But more likely, it's the fact that nobody liked him.
- Darren: Mr. Wilson's brought out a special edition because of the murder and he's written an editorial about how the police haven't a clue.
- [Troy shows Darren his warrant card]
- Darren: Oh. I see. Shall I make a cup of tea?
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: Yeah. Then you can tell me what the clue is that the police don't have.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Elsie Pinchel. Is that Danny's mother?
- Sarah Proudie: Mm. She died a couple of weeks ago. A legendary midwife of this parish and a formidable gossip. She'd have answered all your questions whether she knew the answers or not.
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: [contemptuously to Murdoch] You finished here?
- Murdoch: You have a statement for the press?
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: Yeah! Push off!
- DCI Tom Barnaby: I thought the point of women's emancipation is you didn't have to do the men's dirty washing.
- Murdoch: Tell me how you met Larry Smith.
- Emily: It was last year when they were making the film. I was chamber-maiding at the big house. He was staying there with the film unit.
- Murdoch: And you fell in love.
- Emily: Oh, well, that would be pushing it a bit.
- Murdoch: But you had a relationship?
- Emily: Oh yeah, definitely a relationship.
- Murdoch: How long did it last?
- Emily: Couple of hours, maybe?
- Rupert Smythe-Webster: I wonder if you realize the full tragic irony of today's whole sorry business.
- Danny Pinchel: Well, gettin' blown up's got to be a bit tragic.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: [as they are walking] I'm told that you and Sarah Proudie from Upper Warden were once, if you'll pardon the expression, an item.
- Rupert Smythe-Webster: [he stops in his tracks] My God! You have been dredging, haven't you?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, there seems an awful lot to dredge in these parts.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: Is the spray can mightier than the sword?
- Sarah Proudie: Well,it doesn't kill people.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: And you're familiar with the Book of Leviticus?
- Sarah Proudie: I didn't reject the Bible without reading it first. What sort of woman do you think I am?
- DCI Tom Barnaby: It looks very different from the book of the film.
- Sarah Proudie: Well, that's because the original is an old-fashioned socialist novel. He calls it "The House of Satan" because he saw the Smythe-Websters as totally corrupt from top to bottom. They took our book and turned it into a cut-price horror movie.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: So you're not one of the world's greatest admirers of the Smythe-Websters, Sarah?
- Sarah Proudie: Everything we have of value they steal. We deal in truth and they deal in power.
- DCI Tom Barnaby: If you hate these people so much...
- Sarah Proudie: Would I consider murdering them?
- [chuckles]
- Sarah Proudie: No. I'm a card carrying peacenik. Check with MI5, ask them about Sarah Proudie. They'll tell you.
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: Sorry, uh, am I interrupting? I'm looking for the chapel.
- Rupert Smythe-Webster: The smart money says it's the building across the street that looks very much like a chapel.
- Sarah Proudie: And it hasn't been a chapel for 50 years or more. We've never had much time for God in Lower Warden. He doesn't seem to be on our side.
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: Would you like to be famous, Darren?
- Darren: Oh, I'd love to, but I can't see that happening, can you?
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: Let's hope not. If you'd murder Larry Smith, you'd be famous.
- Darren: But only 15 minutes. Is it worth it?
- Rupert Smythe-Webster: She said you couldn't have a proper relationship across the tracks if one of the families owns the tracks.
- [first lines]
- Rupert Smythe-Webster: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome. Welcome to the opening ceremony of the Ellis Bell Satanic Experience. Now, 120 years ago to this very day, a young man named Ellis Bell walked out of that house, along that footpath and into that summerhouse. There he wrote a book that would put our much-loved village of Upper Warden on the map. The book was called "The House of Satan", now, as we all know, a major movie.
- Dr. Bullard: Men over a certain age shouldn't take exercise. Promise me you'll never go searching for your lost youth, Tom. It's lost because it's meant to be lost.