Monty Python's Flying Circus (TV Series)

Royal Episode Thirteen (1970)

John Cleese: Announcer, Mr. Sm, Mr. Feldman, First Doctor, Fifth Doctor, Fifth Sailor, Various

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Announcer : Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not simply going to say, and now for something completely different this week, because I do not think it fit. This is a particularly auspicious occasion for us this evening, as we have been told that Her Majesty the Queen will be watching part of this show tonight. We don't know exactly when Her Majesty will be tuning in. We understand that at the moment she is watching The Virginian. We have been promised that we will be informed the moment that she changes the channel. Her Majesty would like everyone to behave quite normally, but her Equerry has ask me to request all of you at home to stand when the great moment arrives. Although we here in studio will be carrying on with our humorous vignettes and spoofs in the ordinary way. Thank you. And now without any more ado and completely as normal, here are the opening titles.

• Foreman : Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty, master of the universe, protector of the meek, who's nose we are not worthy to pick, and whose very feces are an untrammeled delight, and whose peacocks keep us awake all hours of the night with their noisy love making. We beseech thee, tell thy humble servants the name of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze section of a classical Doric entablature.

  Royal : [wearing sign FRIGHTFULLY IMPORTANT]  No idea, sorry.

• Second Sailor : What's the matter with Johnson, sir?

  First Sailor : Well, he's not kosher...

  Third Sailor : Depends how we kill him, sir.

  First Sailor : Yes yes, I see that, but um, well to be quite frank, I like my meat a little more lean. I'd rather eat Hodges.

  Second Sailor : Oh well, alright!

  Third Sailor : Nah, I still prefer to eat Johnson.

  Fifth Sailor : I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me.

  Second Sailor : Look, I tell you what, why don't those of us who want to, eat Johnson, then you sir can eat my leg, and then we can make some of the Captain, and then after that we can eat the rest of Johnson for supper.

  First Sailor : Good thinking, Hodges.

  Fourth Sailor : And we can finish off with the peaches.

  [holds up a can] 

  Third Sailor : And we can start off with the Avocados.

  [holding up ripe avocados] 

  First Sailor : Oh waitress.

  [waitress appears outside the boat] 

  First Sailor : Waitress, we've decided now. We're going to have...

• Mortician : We can bury her or burn her.

  Bereaved : Oh, well which do you recommend?

  Mortician : Well they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead - but quick. Then we give you a hand full of ashes, which you can pretend were her. Or if we bury her, she gets eaten up by a bunch of weevils and nasty maggots, which as I said before is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead.