Monty Python's Flying Circus (TV Series)

The Buzz Aldrin Show (1970)

John Cleese: Announcer, Gumby #2, Mr. Wiggin, Voiceover #2, East Midlands Poet Board Sales Manager, Derek Hart, Naughty Chemist

Photos 

Quotes 

• Derek Hart : Nude Man, what did you make of that?

  Nude Man : Well, don't you see? That was exactly the kind of explicit sexual reference I'm objecting to. It is titillation for the sake of it, a deliberate attempt at cheap sensationalism. I don't care WHAT the so-called avant-garde left-wing intellectual namby-pambies say, it is FILTH!

• Second City Gent : Are you proposing to slaughter our tenants?

  Mr. Wiggin : Does that not fit in with your plans?

  First City Gent : No, no, we wanted a simple block of flats.

  Mr. Wiggin : Ah, I see. I hadn't fully divined your attitude towards your tenants. You see, I mainly design slaughterhouses, yes, pity. Mind you, this is a real beaut, none of your blood caked on the walls and flesh flying out of the windows incommoding the passers-by with this one, I mean my life has been leading up to this one.

  Second City Gent : Yes, and well done. But we did want a block of flats.

  Mr. Wiggin : Well, may I ask you to reconsider? You wouldn't regret it, think of that tourist trade.

  First City Gent : No, no, it's just we wanted a block of flats and not an abattoir.

  Mr. Wiggin : Yes, that's just the sort of blinkered, philistine, pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage, you sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds, squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss about the struggling artist. You excrement! You lousy, hypocritical, whining toadies! With your lousy color T.V sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs! And your bleeding masonic handshakes! You wouldn't let me join, would you, ya black-balling bastards! Well, I wouldn't become a Freemason now, if you went down on your lousy, stinking, purulent knees and begged me!

  Second City Gent : Well, we're sorry you feel like that, but we did want a block of flats. Nice though, the abattoir is.

  Mr. Wiggin : Oh

  [Scoffs] 

  Mr. Wiggin : the abattoir, but, if any of you could put in a word for me I'd love to be a mason. Freemasonry opens doors, I'd be very quiet, I was a bit on edge just now, but if I was a mason I'd just sit at the back and not get in anyone's way.

  First City Gent : Thank you.

  Mr. Wiggin : I've got a second-hand apron.

  First City Gent : Thank you.

  Mr. Wiggin : [Heads for the door]  I nearly got in at Hendon.

  First City Gent : Thank you.

• Naughty Chemist : Who's got the chest rash?

  [a woman with large breasts raises her hand] 

  Naughty Chemist : Have to get a bigger bottle.

• Housewife : [trying to seduce the inspector]  It's a nice day, isn't it?

  Inspector : Yes, yes. The weather situation is generally favourable. There's a ridge of high pressure settling in over Ireland, which is moving steadily eastwards bringing cloudy weather to parts of the West Country, Wales, and areas west of the Pennines.

  [pulls down a weather map out of nowhere] 

  Inspector : On tomorrow's chart, the situation remains the same, with this occluded front bringing drier, warmer weather. Temperature's about average for the time of year; that's 3 degrees Centigrade, 44 degrees Fahrenheit, so don't forget to wrap up well. That's all from me. Good night.

  Announcer : Now on BBC Television, a choice of viewing. On BBC2, a discussion on censorship between Derek Hart, the Bishop of Woolwich, and a nude man, and on BBC1, me telling you this.

• Mr. Wiggin : The tenants arrive at the entrance hall here, are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort, and pass murals depicting Mediterranean scenes toward the rotating knives. The last 20 feet of the corridor are heavily sound-proofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these large...