The Muppet Show (TV Series)

Milton Berle (1977)

Milton Berle: Self - Special Guest Star

Photos 

Quotes 

• Statler : Hey, Berle.

  Milton Berle : What?

  Statler : You know what? I've just figured out your style.

  Milton Berle : Really?

  Waldorf : You work like Gregory Peck.

  Milton Berle : Gregory Peck's not a comedian.

  Waldorf : Well...

  Milton Berle : Now, just a minute. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.

  Waldorf : How come we got this half?

• Milton Berle : Look, did you come here to be entertained or not?

  Statler : That's right.

  Milton Berle : What's right?

  Statler : We came in here to be entertained, and we're not.

  Milton Berle : I'd like to see *you* come down here and be funny.

  Waldorf : You first!

• Milton Berle : I dare you both to come down here to entertain.

  Waldorf : Yeah, we should.

  Milton Berle : Do you sing?

  Waldorf : No.

  Milton Berle : Do you dance?

  Statler : No.

  Milton Berle : Do you get laughs?

  Waldorf : No.

  Milton Berle : Then what would you do?

  Waldorf : Just what you're doing!

• [Rowlf is playing "The Entertainer" slowly] 

  Milton Berle : "The Entertainer", right?

  Rowlf : Yep, that's the name of the song.

  Milton Berle : You know, most people don't know that there are words to that song.

  Rowlf : That's true.

  Milton Berle : You know what they're about? They're about the stars and the performers and the entertainers that appeared during the heyday of Vaudeville.

  Rowlf : You used to be in Vaudeville, didn't you?

  Milton Berle : Yeah, sure I was, but when I was a kid.

  Rowlf : How many performances did you do in Vaudeville?

  Milton Berle : Oh, I'd say between 80,000 and 100,000.

  Rowlf : Wow, you were really the entertainer, weren't you?

  Milton Berle : One of them... yeah, one of them. Many, many fond memories.

  [speaking, soulfully] 

  Milton Berle : Now the curtain is going up. The Entertainer is taking a bow. He does his dance step and sings his song, he even gets the audience to sing along. Yes, he knows just what to do, he knows how to brings down the house when he's through. Snappy patter and jokes, he knows what pleases the folks. The Entertainer: the Star of the Show.

  [tempo increases and the Muppets come on the stage] 

  Muppets : [singing]  It was in Vaudeville and he was on the bill with all the singers, dancers, acrobats and clowns.

  Fozzie Bear : There was a dancing bear.

  Rowlf : Even a dog act there.

  Scooter : And a comedian who never let them down.

  Muppets : But when he came on to do his favorite song, he really wowed them in the cities and the towns. They came from near and far to see the Vaudeville star: The Entertainer!

  [tempo slows] 

  Milton Berle : [speaking, soulfully]  Now the curtain is going down on the Entertainer: the artist, the pro. He was put on this earth to bring us laughter and mirth. The Entertainer: the Star of the Show.

• Statler : Hey, Berle!

  Milton Berle : Yes, what is it?

  Statler : You know what you're doing wrong?

  Milton Berle : What am I doing wrong?

  Statler : You're standing too close to the audience!

  Milton Berle : Oh, yeah? How's this?

  Statler : You're *still* too close.

  Milton Berle : Oh, sorry. Is this okay?

  Statler : A little more.

  Milton Berle : How far back do you want me to go?

  Statler : You got a car?

• Milton Berle : Lemme tell ya somethin', if you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!

  Waldorf : He can't! He's too busy!

  Milton Berle : Doing what?

  Waldorf : Keeping people in!

• Milton Berle : You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.

  Waldorf : Please, not while I'm holding it!

  Milton Berle : That's pretty funny.

  Waldorf : Ah, you could use it.

  Milton Berle : I can use it. I don't need your material, pal. I've got a million funny lines in the back of my head.

  Statler : Yeah, how come they never reach your mouth?

• Milton Berle : [referring to Statler]  Pay no attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child in a family of eight.

• Gonzo : Hey, how's it goin', Mr. Berle?

  Milton Berle : Oh, I'm gonna start with you now. How's it goin'? It's goin' terribly. These guys have been pickin' on me and insultin' me ever since I started.

  Gonzo : Well, can I help you out?

  Milton Berle : Please, huh?

  Gonzo : Which way did you come in?

• Gonzo : Hey, Uncle Milty. I hope you really knock'em dead out there.

  Milton Berle : Listen, kid. Don't worry about the king.

  Gonzo : I'm not. I'm worried about you.

  Milton Berle : How do you like that? I'm not even on the stage, and I'm in trouble.

• Milton Berle : [hears Statler and Waldorf heckling him]  Ah hah, ah hah, I heard about them, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, aren't you?

  [Statler and Waldorf nod] 

  Milton Berle : There they are, ladies and gentlemen, get a look at them. Starsky and Crutch.