Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)

I Accuse My Parents (1993)

Trace Beaulieu: Crow T. Robot, Dr. Clayton Forrester

Quotes 

• Narrator : Here in southern Texas, there is an additional problem.

  Crow T. Robot : Texans.

• Crow T. Robot : I accuse you, Joel. Now, carefully, hand over the hamburger sandwich.

  Tom Servo : Don't let him forget the french fries potato garnish.

• [during the short about "truck farming"] 

  Joel : Praise the Truck Farmer! Bow down to him!

  Crow T. Robot : Worship the Truck Farmer, at the church of your choice.

  Joel , Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo : [bowing down]  HAIL TRUCK FARMER! HAIL TRUCK FARMER!

  [Tom begins loudly speaking in tongues] 

• Crow T. Robot : Yes Satan, speak to me through this song!

• Charlie Blake : Now listen to me, no one's gonna take you away from me.

  Crow T. Robot : Not even me, see? I'd kill me before that happens.

• Crow T. Robot : [the field is being plowed]  It's harrowing, isn't it?

• Crow T. Robot : I'm thinkin' of tellin' my wife I love her. Naah, forget it, not worth it.

• Tom Servo : I want to run and jump and skin my knees!

  Crow T. Robot : Uh, you don't have any legs.

  Tom Servo : [desperately trying to verify his argument]  I want to catch frogs down at the old swimming hole!

  Crow T. Robot : Your arms don't work.

  Tom Servo : I want to experience the world of emotions and feelings!

  Crow T. Robot : You'd get beat up 'cause you're a freak.

  [Tom falls, blubbering, into Joel's arms] 

• Crow T. Robot : [on the title "I Accuse My Parents"]  The John Bradshaw Story.

• Crow T. Robot : [in the cast, Al Frazier is played by George Lloyd]  Did you know that the role of Al Frazier was the most coveted role at that time?

  Joel : Really? Wow.

• Kitty Reed : Jimmy, I don't want to be offended, but I've got to ask you something.

  Crow T. Robot : Do I have a weird profile?

• [in the "Truck Farmer" short, a bulldozer pushes through a field] 

  Crow T. Robot : KILLDOZER! Clint Walker, no!

• Joel : Okay, so, is everybody done with their art-therapy project?

  Gypsy : Mm-hmm.

  Tom Servo : Joel, what's the point of this art-therapy stuff, anyway, huh?

  Joel : Well, by having you draw pictures of your idealized family, maybe you can escape some of the deep psychological problems that Jimmy, the star of today's movie, suffered because of his family. So let's see what you've drawn, okay? This is Crow's... .

  [Crow's drawing is a giant version of himself with a handlebar mustache, knives for hands, and lasers firing from his chest, walking down a city street crushing buildings] 

  Tom Servo : Huh.

  Crow T. Robot : That's my dad. He's all-powerful! His hands are made of stainless steel and he has lasers that shoot out of his chest.

  [Laser noises] 

  Crow T. Robot : Pyeww! Pyeww!

  Gypsy : Ooh!

  Crow T. Robot : I don't have to tell ya, he's the coolest dad in the whole neighborhood. And when we go to father-son picnics, we win every event. And he dispenses homespun wisdom and teaches solid Midwestern values while crushing all who block his path!

  Gypsy : Ahh... .

  Joel : Uh huh. And what about the handlebar mustache?

  Crow T. Robot : Uh... .I dunno.

  Joel : Okay, let's see here.

  [writes] 

  Joel : Oral obsession with mustache indicates nasal-labial shame. Good, okay. Now let's see yours here, Tom. What's this?

  [Tom's drawing is two women holding hands, with a big robot standing behind them] 

  Tom Servo : Okeydoke! Uh, that's my mom, my dad and my mom. My mom is Hayley Mills, my dad is Gigantor and my mom is Peggy Cass.

  Joel : Uh huh. And why are your moms holding hands, Tom?

  Tom Servo : I dunno.

  Joel : Okay, let's see... .

  [writes] 

  Joel : Latent "Parent Trap" syndrome.

  [Whispers] 

  Joel : Man should be in a straitjacket!

  [to Gypsy] 

  Joel : Okay, Gypsy, this one's really nice, what about this one?

  [Gypsy's is of her, Crow, Joel, Tom and Cambot--holding hands, with Richard Basehart looking down on them from a cloud overhead] 

  Gypsy : Well, Joel, my ideal family is right here! And I know Richard Basehart watches over us all.

  Joel : Oh, that's really sweet, Gypsy. But tell me, why does Richard Basehart get to play God?

  Gypsy : I dunno.

  Crow T. Robot : Uh, Joel? Why are you spending your time psychoanalyzing robots?

  Joel : Um... .I don't know.

  [Short but awkward silence] 

  Joel : I'm kidding, of course.

  [Commercial sign] 

  Joel : We'll be right back. I do know! I really do know.