- [appearing are three actors playing U.S. Presidents, charged with soliciting a prostitute]
- Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Honest, Abe?
- Lincoln: Look, I don't have to take this. I'm a major talent in this town.
- Francine La Rue: Wanna bet?
- Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: I missed Roz. I still don't see why she wouldn't let us visit her at the hospital.
- Christine Sullivan: I do. It's embarrassing. I hate wearing those hospital gowns that hang wide open at the back.
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I always turn mine around.
- Roosevelt: [to Christine] Hey, how'd you like me to charge up your San Juan Hill?
- [laughs]
- Christine Sullivan: Look, I may have to defend you, but I don't have to put up with your sleazy remarks.
- Roosevelt: Ooh, a filly with spirit! Looks like you need a Rough Rider!
- [laughs]
- Christine Sullivan: Watch it. I speak softly but I carry a big knee.
- Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: In the meantime, you gentlemen are going to have to decide whether you want your cases adjudicated together or separately.
- Lincoln: United we stand, divided we fall!
- Francine La Rue: Tell me about it.
- Christine Sullivan: [Bull begins a lengthy read of the Welcome Back banner he made for Roz until Christine interrupts] Bull, how long is that thing?
- Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: How far is it from here to the door?
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: Six feet.
- Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Then it's 18 floors and 6 feet.
- Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: How was the hospital?
- Rosalind 'Roz' Russell: Peachy. First, I was dragged in there on a stretcher, stripped naked, and strapped into a bed against my will. Since then, I've been poked, prodded, pumped full of drugs, forced fed, and had blood sucked out of me ten times a day with razor-sharp needles.
- Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: You got to go on a stretcher?
- Dr. Townsend: [Telling the others about Roz] She could faint... she could go into a coma... she could die.
- Baliff Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Boy I sure hope she picks fainting.
- Christine Sullivan: Your Honor, before we can proceed, we're going to need an order to separate. The fourth defendant isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't sobered up yet.
- Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Little bit too much Yankee Doodle Brandy?
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: About ten minutes ago he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni.
- Lincoln: Hold it, everyone! Watch where you step!
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: What'd you do, lose a contact lens?
- Lincoln: No, my wart!
- Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Boy Roz is really going through a rough time.
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Scoffing] I go through rough times! I don't go around spreading food all over people.
- [Harry give him an incredulous look]
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Unless they ask.