Night Court (TV Series)

No Hard Feelings (1987)

John Larroquette: Dan Fielding

Quotes 

• Dan Fielding : Excuse me, anything for me?

  Joy Buscaglia : Yeah, your doctor phoned and said your tests came out negative.

  Dan Fielding : Are you sure?

  Joy Buscaglia : Hey, it's a poor musician who blames his instrument.

• [At his job interview, Dan finds that the hiring partner only wants him for an office gigolo] 

  Dan Fielding : You think you can call me in here, play your little bedroom games, take shots at my manhood? That's fine! I get that all the time! All right, maybe I wasn't able to afford some snooty Ivy League education. But let me tell you something. When you get your degree from the Bayou Academy of Law & Agriculture, you learn something else: a fighting sow-belly has to WORK for what he wants! Can't be afraid to get your snout dirty! You know, I live the law every day. In the courts and the jails of New York City. And I may have barf in my cuffs when I come home at night. But that's the way I like it.

  [building] 

  Dan Fielding : That's why I have the highest conviction rate of any DA in this city. And that's why I have the lowest percentage of overturned cases! And that's why you can say anything you want to about my manhood, but nobody, lady - NOBODY - can touch Dan Fielding in a court of law.

  [throws off his jacket] 

  Dan Fielding : Or for that matter, anywhere else!

  Toni Corbin : You mean...?

  Dan Fielding : [yanks off his tie]  I mean, hold on to your Dixie Cups, babes! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!

• [Dan breaks down crying the night after his date] 

  Dan Fielding : Women.

  Harry Stone : So, who was it last night? The Soviet gymnast?

  Mac Robinson : The farmer's daughter?

  Bull Shannon : One of those rubber-jointed ladies from the freak shows that like to be handcuffed and thrown around the room by their ponytails, screaming for mercy until they black out?

  [Stares from everyone] 

  Bull Shannon : What?

• Harry Stone : Come on, Dan. You can't let this get to you. Come on, every red-blooded American male has had to face this problem at one time or another in his life.

  Dan Fielding : Has it ever happened to you?

  Harry Stone : [jerks back, stung]  Hell, no!

  [later] 

  Bull Shannon : Take heart, Dan, this happens to every guy sooner or later.

  Dan Fielding : Has it ever happened to you?

  Bull Shannon : [jerks back, stung]  Hell, no!

  Dan Fielding : Excuse me.

  [He exits, passing Mac as he comes in] 

  Dan Fielding : H-?

  Mac Robinson : Hell, no!

• Dan Fielding : Let's face it, Harry. I'm all washed up.

  Harry Stone : Come on, Dan, so you...

  Dan Fielding : Say it.

  Harry Stone : You...

  Dan Fielding : Come on, man, say it!

  Harry Stone : You had a little trouble launching the ol' Love Boat.

  Dan Fielding : We are talking stuck in drydock, Harry!

• Dan Fielding : [to Toni]  When you think of this night... and you will... suffer.

• [the staff enters Harry's office near the end of recess] 

  Bull Shannon : Hey.

  Harry Stone : You guys ready to do it?

  Roz Russell : Some more than others.

  Dan Fielding : You know, I'm really glad that my personal life is suddenly everybody's business!

  Roz Russell : Hey, don't get testy with me just 'cause your Dow Jones average hit a slump.

• Christine Sullivan : Dan, you know there are several books on this subject that might be of some use to you.

  Dan Fielding : Such as?

  Christine Sullivan : [as everyone turns their gaze on her]  Well..."The Little Engine That Could."

• Dan Fielding : You can have your principles AND get lucky!