Roseanne (TV Series)

Crime and Punishment (1993)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Quotes 

• Roseanne : Damn, Jackie, you were a cop. You heard this same crap a million times. Now you're throwing it out on me? How could you let this happen to you?

  Jackie Harris : Shut up! You don't know the whole story. He's been under a lot of pressure lately. There's no work and I told him that he should look for a job at a bigger company, And he told me that I didn't believe in him and he told me a million times when he gets in a mood like that... that I should just walk away and I didn't. I just kept pushing him and pushing him...

  [starts crying] 

• Roseanne Conner : I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?

  Dan Conner : Well, it started out that way.

  Roseanne Conner : What'd he say?

  Dan Conner : Well, if I remember correctly, "Ouch, ouch. My head." Something along those lines.

• Darlene Conner : What happened to Aunt Jackie?

  Roseanne : Well, some say environment, but I think she's born that way.

• Roseanne : [after Dan comes home with bloody knuckles]  Oh, my God. You didn't kill him and then go buy chicken, did ya?

• Jackie Harris : [to Roseanne when she discovers Fisher assaulted Jackie]  It's no big deal.

  Roseanne Conner : It's no big deal? What are you saying? He hit you. It's not like he forgot your birthday.

• Jackie Harris : What kind of obscene reading material could D.J. have?

  Roseanne : I don't know. Either one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.

• Dan Conner : Hey, we had underground comics, but it wasn't like this crap Darlene's doing. Ours were about depraved sex and massive drug abuse. This is a cry for help.

  Roseanne Conner : Well, who knows what they're about, you know? Who even wants to? The longer we don't know what's in Darlene's head, the longer we don't sleep in shifts.

• Roseanne : [to Jackie]  You come over here, your back is all bruised up, you won't tell me nothing about it. How do I know you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this?

  Jackie Harris : Why... why can't you just drop it?

  Roseanne : That son of a bitch.

• Roseanne : [to Jackie]  Well, I think we just should go to the hospital and get you checked out.

  Jackie Harris : It's too humiliating, Roseanne. They'll ask all kinds of questions. I don't want everybody talking about it.

  Roseanne : Okay, well, we'll go to the hospital in Elgin. Nobody knows us there. We could make up names and stuff. I'll be Wilma and you can be Betty.

• Jackie Harris : Oh good, go for the guilt. You better take a long, hard look at yourself, Roseanne, 'cause if you are this obsessed with my life, there is obviously something missing from yours.

  Roseanne Conner : Just figure that out?

• Darlene Conner : I want him punished, and I mean severely punished.

  Roseanne Conner : Okay, bring me the cheese grater.

• Darlene Conner : You call yourselves parents? These punishments bite, you're supposed to be better than this.

  Roseanne Conner : Well, why don't you just punish him?

  Darlene Conner : Really?

  Roseanne Conner : What do you think, Dan?

  Dan Conner : [waves]  Bye, Deej.

  Darlene Conner : This is gonna be great.

  Roseanne Conner : Just remember, you're at that awkward age where you can be tried as an adult.

  Darlene Conner : I got it. You have to wear a suit and tie to school tomorrow.

  D.J. Conner : In front of everyone?

  Roseanne Conner : Gee Darlene, why don't you just beat him up, yourself?