Roseanne (TV Series)

Language Lessons (1988)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Photos 

Quotes 

• Roseanne Conner : I hear you did some major redecorating of Darlene's castle.

  D.J. Conner : I didn't mean to!

  Roseanne Conner : I know you didn't.

  D.J. Conner : Darlene called me stupid.

  Roseanne Conner : You're not stupid, you're just clumsy like your daddy.

• Dan Conner : Rosie, is my chili too bland?

  Roseanne Conner : Absolutely not! Your chili is just like you: hot and spicy!

• Roseanne Conner : She's over here all the time because she's my sister, and he didn't mean anything, he's just blowing off steam. Now I swear you are worse than all three of the kids.

• Roseanne Conner : You knew when you married me that I had a sister.

  Dan Conner : Yeah, well, I didn't think she'd be here every weekend.

  Roseanne Conner : Oh, hell, I didn't think *I'd* be here every weekend.

  Dan Conner : You know, if she had a life of her own, she wouldn't have to ruin mine. I'm telling you, honey, two minutes after she walks in the...

  [Sees Roseanne mockingly hold up a pair of his boxer shorts with little red hearts] 

  Dan Conner : Put those down.

• Roseanne Conner : Darlene, who are you really mad at?

  Darlene Conner : D.J.!

  Roseanne Conner : Well that makes a lot of sense. I know if I had been screwing around all year and was flunking history, that I would find somebody else to blame for it.

  Darlene Conner : That's NOT what I'm doing.

  Roseanne Conner : That's EXACTLY what you're doing, Darlene.

  Darlene Conner : [stands up and throws part of her castle on the floor]  It's not fair!

  [storms off] 

• Dan Conner : What's really bothering me, Jackie, is that you're over here *all* the time.

  Jackie Harris : Well, Dan, if you had a *job* you wouldn't even notice so much.

  [seething, Dan leaves the room] 

  Roseanne Conner : [to Jackie]  You really must come over more often.

• Roseanne Conner : [Jackie and Dan are arguing]  I know this game, I really do, it's called Let's Tear Roseanne Apart. You take this arm and you take this arm and you both pull until I splatter on the floor in a puddle!

• Darlene Conner : D.J. broke my castle and now I'm going to fail history and it's all D.J.'s fault!

  Roseanne Conner : Yeah it's totally his fault that you've been screwing around all year and flunking history.

  Darlene Conner : But Mom he was just here and...

  Roseanne Conner : And it's totally his fault you put this off until the last minute.

• Dan Conner : She's sending me a message I've waited a long time to hear. My sister-in-law's moving to North Dakota!

  Becky Conner : Daaaaaad.

  Dan Conner : Sorry Jackie, just kidding, *South* Dakota.

  Jackie Harris : You know, there's a lot of truth in kidding.

  Dan Conner : Oh come on, Jackie, don't psychoanalyze everything I say.

  Roseanne Conner : Yeah, trust me, it ain't worth it.

  Jackie Harris : No, I want to know, do I really annoy you?

  Dan Conner : For one thing, you pick all the nuts out of the rocky road.

  Jackie Harris : Well put me in front of a firing squad.

  Roseanne Conner : I'm gonna put you both in front of a firing squad.

  Jackie Harris : What else?

  Dan Conner : You could knock.

  Jackie Harris : You want me to knock when I come over? I'll knock, I'll blow a trumpet for you.

  [she and Dan start talking over each other] 

  Roseanne Conner : [bangs on pot]  Chili's ready!