- Roseanne Conner: I hear you did some major redecorating of Darlene's castle.
- D.J. Conner: I didn't mean to!
- Roseanne Conner: I know you didn't.
- D.J. Conner: Darlene called me stupid.
- Roseanne Conner: You're not stupid, you're just clumsy like your daddy.
- Roseanne Conner: You knew when you married me that I had a sister.
- Dan Conner: Yeah, well, I didn't think she'd be here every weekend.
- Roseanne Conner: Oh, hell, I didn't think *I'd* be here every weekend.
- Dan Conner: You know, if she had a life of her own, she wouldn't have to ruin mine. I'm telling you, honey, two minutes after she walks in the...
- [Sees Roseanne mockingly hold up a pair of his boxer shorts with little red hearts]
- Dan Conner: Put those down.
- Dan Conner: Rosie, is my chili too bland?
- Roseanne Conner: Absolutely not! Your chili is just like you: hot and spicy!
- Roseanne Conner: She's over here all the time because she's my sister, and he didn't mean anything, he's just blowing off steam. Now I swear you are worse than all three of the kids.
- Dan Conner: What's really bothering me, Jackie, is that you're over here *all* the time.
- Jackie Harris: Well, Dan, if you had a *job* you wouldn't even notice so much.
- [seething, Dan leaves the room]
- Roseanne Conner: [to Jackie] You really must come over more often.
- Roseanne Conner: [Jackie and Dan are arguing] I know this game, I really do, it's called Let's Tear Roseanne Apart. You take this arm and you take this arm and you both pull until I splatter on the floor in a puddle!
- Darlene Conner: D.J. broke my castle and now I'm going to fail history and it's all D.J.'s fault!
- Roseanne Conner: Yeah it's totally his fault that you've been screwing around all year and flunking history.
- Darlene Conner: But Mom he was just here and...
- Roseanne Conner: And it's totally his fault you put this off until the last minute.
- Roseanne Conner: Darlene, who are you really mad at?
- Darlene Conner: D.J.!
- Roseanne Conner: Well that makes a lot of sense. I know if I had been screwing around all year and was flunking history, that I would find somebody else to blame for it.
- Darlene Conner: That's NOT what I'm doing.
- Roseanne Conner: That's EXACTLY what you're doing, Darlene.
- Darlene Conner: [stands up and throws part of her castle on the floor] It's not fair!
- [storms off]
- Dan Conner: She's sending me a message I've waited a long time to hear. My sister-in-law's moving to North Dakota!
- Becky Conner: Daaaaaad.
- Dan Conner: Sorry Jackie, just kidding, *South* Dakota.
- Jackie Harris: You know, there's a lot of truth in kidding.
- Dan Conner: Oh come on, Jackie, don't psychoanalyze everything I say.
- Roseanne Conner: Yeah, trust me, it ain't worth it.
- Jackie Harris: No, I want to know, do I really annoy you?
- Dan Conner: For one thing, you pick all the nuts out of the rocky road.
- Jackie Harris: Well put me in front of a firing squad.
- Roseanne Conner: I'm gonna put you both in front of a firing squad.
- Jackie Harris: What else?
- Dan Conner: You could knock.
- Jackie Harris: You want me to knock when I come over? I'll knock, I'll blow a trumpet for you.
- [she and Dan start talking over each other]
- Roseanne Conner: [bangs on pot] Chili's ready!