Roseanne (TV Series)

The Slice of Life (1989)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Quotes 

• Jackie Harris : [about their old sleeping bag]  If this bag could talk...

  Roseanne : I'd cut its tongue out, I would.

• Roseanne : [when Roseanne and Dan are contacting their insurance at the hospital while Darlene was having her appendex removed]  Roseanne: Conner. C as in cat. O as in oof! N as in numb skull! N as in nit wit!! E as in empty headed!! R as in... *target*!!!

• Becky Conner : Did you really throw snowcones at the umpire?

  Roseanne : You weren't there. You didn't see the call.

• Darlene Conner : Can't you guys just leave me alone? I don't need you there to watch me pitch.

  Roseanne : Pitch, pitch, pitch. All she ever does is pitch.

• Dan Conner : [to Roseanne]  I don't know how you remember all this stuff.

  Roseanne : What stuff?

  Dan Conner : Like when Darlene had the mumps.

  Roseanne : Well, because she had the mumps the same time D.J. and Becky had the mumps, Dan. You don't forget three kids having simultaneous mumps.

• Roseanne : I know the future of medical science depends on knowing my mother's maiden name.

• Roseanne : Why this morning of all mornings did I have to yell at Darlene?

  Jackie Harris : Because she was being a pain in the butt.

  Roseanne : Oh, Jackie. She's just being 11.

  Jackie Harris : Roseanne, yelling at Darlene. That's like breathing. It's just an involuntary response.

• Roseanne : I ask one little question and nobody can answer me. I asked, "What's going on with my kid?" That's not a stupid question. That's a question that deserves an answer. It's a question any human being has a right to know. Well, what's going on with my kid?

  Dan Conner : Tell 'em, kiddo.

  Dr. Bryce : Mr. and Mrs. Conner...

  Roseanne : Is Darlene all right?

  Dr. Bryce : She's fine.

  Roseanne : So what am I yelling about?

• Roseanne : Darlene, when are you gonna stop being such a smart mouth?

  Darlene Conner : Mmm... three weeks from next Tuesday.