- Ernestine: Now, I'm calling, Mr. Sinatra, about an unpaid bill. And I was wandering what you're going to doobie-doobie-doobie-do about it?
- Squaw: Today, the white man uses the pill to control population. In the old days, they used the cavalry charge. You betchum!
- Miss Rita Hayworth: Did you know that before 1951 you couldn't say the word "virgin" in a motion picture? In today's moves, you can't even find one!
- Johnny Brown: A, Miss Hayworth, do you think movies today should have good plots?
- Miss Rita Hayworth: [things for a moment] Only if it's essential to the nudity.
- Gladys Ormphby: [gasping loudly] Oh, Dr. Kiley...
- [more gasping]
- Gladys Ormphby: ... I'm not feeling well... can you look at me?
- [even more unhealthy sounds]
- Dr. Steven Kiley: Eh, I'm sorry, Gladys, I'm a general practitioner, not a veterinarian.
- Henny Youngman: A guy's on the electric chair. And the warden says "You can have anything you want to eat for your last meal." He said: "I want mushrooms." He says: "Mushrooms?" He said: "Yeah, I was always afraid to eat them."
- Alan Sues: [during joke wall] Why does a lion have red eye?
- Dan Rowan: I don't know, why does a lion have red eye?
- Alan Sues: Beats me, cupcake!
- [closes joke wall windows]
- Lily Tomlin: [Dan and Dick laugh] Can I have the joke about the red eyes?
- Richard Dawson: 'Course you can.
- Lily Tomlin: So he can hide in a cherry tree.
- Dan Rowan: Very good.