- Weekend Update Anchor: You know... we had a great story ready about Frank Sinatra's surgery but somebody beat the hell out of our cue card guy during the commercial and I've seemed to have lost that story.
- Victoria Jackson: There has been so much terrorism in the news lately that I'm shocked when I go out on the streets and I'm not blown up.
- Chick Hazard: Come on, Eddie, I can read you like a book. Sure, some of the pages are stuck together. But lets go through the table of contents.
- Eddie Spimozo: Lets not!
- Chick Hazard: Chapter one: born in a lower East Side slum.
- Eddie Spimozo: Well, listen to J.P. Morgan!
- Chick Hazard: Chapter two: heads up a gang in Hells Kitchen.
- Eddie Spimozo: A fellow's gotta eat.
- Chick Hazard: Chapter three: goes from stealing apples to running booze for the big boys uptown.
- Eddie Spimozo: [produces a gun] Chapter four: detective found dead on bar room floor!