Scrubs (TV Series)

My Advice to You (2003)

John C. McGinley: Dr. Perry Cox

Quotes 

• Dr. Cox : [Dr. Cox turns off the T.V and the med students "awww" in disappointment]  Fine. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you how it ends: Dr. Phil says,

  [Dr. Phil impression] 

  Dr. Cox : "And how... is that working out... for you?" And the big fat lady cries, "Wah." All right, I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of residency director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this God-forsaken hell-hole.

  Elliot : [impressed]  Hm

  Dr. Cox : It's all about the four dollars, trust me. And seeing as my money is contingent on you lemmings actually doing your jobs, I would say that now is a pretty good time for you to scurry on back to work so that I can continue to afford the antidepressants that keep me so damn jolly.

  [laughs weakly] 

  Dr. Cox : GO!

• Dr. Bob Kelso : The point is, sometimes what's best for this hospital *is* what's best for the patients! I know it, you know it, and guess what, Dr. Cox knows it, too. Although damned if he doesn't disagree with me just because I said it.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Sir, I don't think that's true.

  Dr. Bob Kelso : [hollers to Cox across the ward]  Perry! It's hotter than hell in here!

  Dr. Cox : Freezing!

  Dr. Bob Kelso : Great coffee, though!

  Dr. Cox : Rat piss!

  Dr. Bob Kelso : Dr. Murphy is an incompetent suck-up.

  Dr. Cox : No, Bob. In fact, he's one of the finest young doctors I've ever had the good fortune of working with.

  Dr. Bob Kelso : [to J.D]  Your witness.

• Dr. Perry Cox : Newbie, maybe I wasn't clear enough with you on Miss Bartow over there.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Here it comes. I'm incompetent. I'm a girl. I'm a little girl. I'm a little girl with pigtails that rides a tricycle.

  Dr. Perry Cox : No. Well... yes, but I am honestly trying to tell you that I don't think I was being clear with you before. In fact, I think I was being a pretty lousy teacher. Look, I think putting one in the Win column every now and then is what gives us the juice to keep plugging along in games that we know deep down we're not gonna win. And that's why I locked in so intensely to that patient. Because opportunities, they... God, they come along so rarely in this place. And when they do, you just can't let them slip through your fingers. You cannot. You know?

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [Dr. Cox walks off] 

  [to self] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I think I do.

• Dr. Bob Kelso : Perry, the fact that these residents are spending most of their time buzzing around that one patient makes me think that you told them to disobey a direct order from me.

  Dr. Perry Cox : Bob Kelso, that's just not true. Here, I told them to disregard ALL direct orders from you.

• Dr. Elliot Reid : But, Dr. Cox, earlier today Dr. Kelso was telling us that he wants...

  Dr. Perry Cox : Ugssshhhhh. I don't ever want to hear anything that's come out of that man's mouth; unless, of course, it's "Oh, my God! I'm dying. Now I'm moving towards the light. But wait a minute, there's been a mistake! This is Hell! Hello, Hitler. Hello, Mussolini. Captain Kangaroo? THAT'S weird!" Don't you see, Barbie, I would rather listen to you go on and on about the joys of dolphin sex.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Dolphin TRAINER sex. My boyfriend is a dolphin trainer.

  Dr. Perry Cox : Here that's a shame, because the whole dolphin thing used to make you so interesting. Too bad.

• Dr. Bob Kelso : You're losing them! Oh, don't get me wrong, you had me worried there was gonna be a bunch of young Dr. Coxes roaming the halls, calling me "Bobbo", shaving my genitals when I pass out at the Christmas party... .

  Dr. Perry Cox : Tradition is tradition, Bob.

  Dr. Bob Kelso : Yeah... . Then I remembered that you've been here over ten years, and there's not a single disciple of yours to be found. And you know why?

  Dr. Perry Cox : You told 'em this exact same story and bored 'em to death?

  Dr. Bob Kelso : [Dr. Kelso laughs heartily, and Dr. Cox joins in. Suddenly the joviality halts]  No. It's because eventually they all start questioning the Gospel according to Cox, and you can't handle that. Can you?

• Dr. Perry Cox : We are going to try to wean her off of the vent today, so I want all of you people to give her most of your attention.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I say we listen to Dr. Cox, and do exactly what he says.

  [J.D. overtly winks at Dr. Cox] 

  Dr. Perry Cox : That's unbelievable.

  [...] 

  Dr. Perry Cox : We are moving on!

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : You heard him, people! We're moving on!

  Dr. Perry Cox : Oh, God help me.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : ...God help him!

• Dr. Perry Cox : Hey, Barbie. How's about you sashay on over here, push those rock & roll bangs out of your face, and keep those peepers on Miss Bartow's hemodynamics!

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Oh, first I've got to discharge Mr. Hale, then get a stat CT on Mrs. Peterson, and then, to be perfectly frank, perform a thong extrication on Ms. Reid.

  Doug : Hey, YOUR last name is Reid.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Doug. I have underwear in my butt.