Scrubs (TV Series)

My Brother, Where Art Thou? (2003)

Tom Cavanagh: Dan Dorian

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dan : [as Dr. Cox leaves at the end of his shift, J.D.'s brother Dan is waiting for him outside the hospital entrance]  Hey, Dr. Cox.

  Dr. Cox : Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.

  Dan : You don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been.

  [laughs] 

  Dan : Ever since we were kids, my mom always made me walk Johnny to school first day every year, and every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school...

  [laughs] 

  Dan : ...just 'cause.

  Dr. Cox : Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you're just a horrible big brother...

  Dan : [smiles in mock humility]  Well...

  Dr. Cox : ...but I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed. Turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.

  Dan : Hey, listen, Dr. Cox, no offense, I'm a big fan of the tough guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you LOVE the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we KNEW was going someplace. Sweet kid. Smart kid. Becoming a doctor? This is ALL he ever wanted, and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turn him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny is never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So I'm askin' - I'm tellin' you: take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass. Otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [narrating]  Love can give you strength you never knew you had.

  Dan : [holds out his hand to Cox]  It's good seeing you, Dr. Cox.

  Dr. Cox : [takes Dan's hand and shakes it]  Good to see you, Dan. All the best.

  [walks away] 

• Dan : Yeah but these are living, breathing people here...

  Dr. Cox : I'm sorry, what is it you do again?

  Dan : I'm a bartender.

  Dr. Cox : Well, Dan, I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever need to make a top notch rum and coke, well, by golly, mister, you better be right by the phone cause I might just give you a jingle.

  [Dr. Cox begins to walk away] 

  Dr. Cox : [makes a ringing noise]  Dan, Cox-a-roony, regarding the rum and coke issue... could not be more confused...

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : You know what, Dan, once Dad left and Mom started marrying everyone that rang the doorbell, I remember someone saying how lucky I was to have an older brother. But you never came through for me once, did you. I mean, I called you for help because I'm in love with a girl who's in love with someone else, and you responded by showing up here, drinking all my Bailey's Irish Cream, and whining about Mom's new boyfriend. You are a self-involved user, Dan. And you wanna tell ME what kind of person to be? I tell you what, instead, why don't you just get the hell out of my life?

  Dan : But we're brothers. That counts for something, right?

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Not to me.

  [after a moment of awkward silence, J.D. goes back into the building] 

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Well, Dan, what can I say. It's been, uh, three days... .

  Dan Dorian : Two days.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Feels like three.

• Dan Dorian : This is gonna be great. You know, this reminds me of the time I came down to see you guys when you were in med school... . Oh! And I hooked up with that slutty chick! Remember, the one with the huge cans? What was her name?

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Amy.

  Dan Dorian : Yeah! How do you remember stuff like that?

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : She was my girlfriend.

  Dan Dorian : Right. You got her number?

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : No.

  [Dan looks over at Turk who mouths "I got it."] 

• Dan Dorian : And you know what, J.D.? I'm worried, 'cause I think this marriage might actually stick... .Unlike Mom and Dad, who tried to solve everything with sex.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : They did?

  Dan Dorian : Oh, yeah, yeah. Matter of fact, the only reason you were born is 'cause Mom bounced a check at the market.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Oh, that's great! I--I guess you're only here because Mom wrecked the car?

  Dan Dorian : No, they wanted me.

• Dr. Christopher Turk : So, Mrs. D.'s getting remarried, huh?

  Dan Dorian : Ugh, yeah! To a loser! Total loser. This guy's making me move out of Mom's attic.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Oh, the audacity.

  Dan Dorian : I know.

• Dan Dorian : I did not -- repeat, did NOT -- just drop a toothbrush in the toilet.

  Dr. Christopher Turk : Was it blue?

  Dan Dorian : Yellow.

  Dr. Christopher Turk : [J.D. groans]  Oh, don't sweat it.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Turk! Can you please not put your skivvies in the freezer? I'm sick of my Popsicles tasting like fabric softener!

  Dr. Christopher Turk : I like my bad boys to stay nice and cold.

  Dan Dorian : Make sure you're nice and dry down there, otherwise you get a tongue-on-the-flagpole situation. You don't want that.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Look, um, Dan... I wanna apologize for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around.

  Dan Dorian : No you don't.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.