- J.D.: As for me, I could overcome any obstacle, as long as I had Elliot and her ridiculously strong thighs beneath me.
- Elliot: How's it goin'?
- J.D.: Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is a half a jellyfish. Why are you here?
- Elliot: Can I talk to you about Jake?
- J.D.: It's a dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.
- Elliot: Yeah, anytime I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner together.
- Turk: Dr. Kelso! Do you have any idea who's gonna get those three attending spots next year?
- Dr. Kelso: There are four spots for next year.
- Turk: Three if you're not counting the one going to me!
- Dr. Kelso: I'm gonna stick with four, Turkleton. See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart -
- [laughs]
- Dr. Kelso: did you see the sign?
- [He continues chuckling, and Turk humors him by joining in]
- Dr. Kelso: Though there will be no vandalism here, people!
- [Snickers]
- Dr. Kelso: It was classic! Anyway, the key is doing something to get noticed.
- Turk: I don't know if you know this, but tomorrow I'm doing an appendectomy using hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
- Dr. Kelso: Well, it's about time. Hell's bells, son, when I say the name Turkleton, people laugh!
- Turk: Maybe because that's not my name.
- Dr. Kelso: Not yet, Turkleton! Not yet.
- Elliot: This Jake thing is still really bothering me.
- J.D.: Elliot, you know our rules.
- Elliot: Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Who wants to have a superficial friendship? I mean, God, do you remember how close we used to be? Dealing with Dr. Cox, dealing with our screwed-up families, talking about everything? I miss that.
- J.D.: This is working.
- Elliot: Not for me! I wanna be able to tell you that my boyfriend really freaked me out.
- J.D.: Well, if he freaked you out, why don't you go talk to him?
- J.D.: All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?
- Elliot: You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.
- Jake: Alright fine, why don't you tell me about your wildest fantasy.
- Elliot: OK, fine. You're a Mexican apple thief. I run the cider house. I catch you hiding behind the sawmill. You chase me into the tasting room- oh, if there's a crow in there, fine; if not, I can live with it- anyway, we're all alone. You don't speak a word of English but you teach more about hard cider than I ever learned from my fermenting exam and our passion is so loud that they can hear it all in the way in the distillery. Oh, I can be such an apple slut.
- Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us so get your crap out by Friday.
- J.D.: Friday? Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
- Carla: Whose place?
- J.D.: Your place. Look I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I've got two e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
- Carla: Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.
- J.D.: It's a Mexican themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. That means I'm turning thirty. Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking, ocho-thirty until upside down question mark. Sombreros at the door. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooh!
- Turk: I'll be there.
- J.D.: Gracias, amigo.
- [to Carla]
- J.D.: I borrowed one of your dictionaries.
- Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us, so get your crap up by Friday.
- J.D.: Friday?
- Carla: Friday!
- J.D.: Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
- Carla: Whose place?
- J.D.: Your place. Look, I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I already got 2 e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
- Carla: Babmi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.
- Turk: So you wanted to talk to me about your appendectomy, missus...
- [looks at the chart]
- Turk: Appendectomy? That ain't right!
- Patient: Look, 15% of all surgical complications are anesthesia related. So I would like to use hypnosis instead of that traditional anesthesia.
- Turk: Well, I would like to sleep with Beyonce instead of my wife tonight, but that ain't happening either. You know I'm saying?
- Dr. Cox: Jordan, here's the plan: I'm gonna go ahead and and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one - I've worked with her before - she has no off button.
- Carla: [to Elliot] If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
- Jordan: Who's Jake?
- Dr. Cox: Jordan!... No!
- Elliot: He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?
- Jordan: [Pointing at Cox behind her hand] Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?
- Dr. Cox: Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!
- Jordan: Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it!
- Carla: Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up? You know like Turk can be a little... immature - you know, like I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.
- Dr. Cox: Or... maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. You know... before the loneliness burns too much?
- [Hopping in his seat]
- Dr. Cox: Wooooo-ohhhhh!
- [Laughing]
- Dr. Cox: Gosh, I did enjoy that!
- J.D.: That's it! I'll do the triathlon!
- Carla: Oh, you don't know anything about triathlons!
- J.D.: Well, I didn't know anything about cereal inventing, either, Carla. And yet if it wasn't for a certain harshly-worded cease and desist letter, we'd all be eating J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.
- Carla: You're not serious about this, are you?
- Turk: Why are all these cameras here?
- Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, this is quite the event here at Sacred Fart.
- [Laughs heartily]
- Dr. Kelso: I can't help it, it kills me! Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese newsanchor who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon.
- [Turk looks over at the young Asian woman]
- Dr. Kelso: If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone!
- Dr. Cox: We're also getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at CalTech, who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course, the numerous afterscreams that are sure to follow.
- Turk: No interviews!
- Turk: What the hell was I thinking?
- Carla: No, you did great, baby.
- Dr. Kelso: She's right, Turkleton. Hell, without anesthesia, you made it halfway through a surgery. I bet you could publish that.
- Dr. Cox: Maybe they'll put it in Almost Magazine.
- Dr. Kelso: You know, Perry, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here.
- Dr. Cox: How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.
- J.D.: Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients.
- Dr. Doug Murphy: It's a slow day in the morgue. Nothing is written in stone.
- J.D.: You wrote a time of death.
- Dr. Doug Murphy: I wrote one-ish.
- J.D.: Get outta here!
- J.D.: Hey, remember when we were in college we made lists of all the stuff we wanted to do by the time we turned 30?
- Turk: Yeah.
- J.D.: Check it!
- Turk: [He shows Turk his list. Turk reads it aloud] Things to do by 30: Get married, buy a house, learn the difference between "Senator" and "Congressman." Dude, you haven't done any of these yet.
- J.D.: [Riding his bike in low gear, furiously pedaling] Talking to you violates the two most important tenets of our relationship. One, keep discussions superficial and two, no talking while my boys are straddling chrome. That one's new.
- Elliot: Why don't you just try a higher gear?
- J.D.: [Elliot reaches over and shifts gears on J.D.'s bike] Agh! It's like pedaling in hummus!