- Elaine Benes: I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there... and then... I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Sometimes you go to a restaurant, they put the check in a little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people." What is this? Little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? What is this about?
- Jerry Seinfeld: [On the phone with George, Kramer's just walked in] Well, who told you to give him your business card?
- [buzzer sounds, to Kramer]
- Jerry Seinfeld: That's Elaine.
- [Kramer buzzes her in, Jerry turns back to the phone]
- Jerry Seinfeld: It's Kramer. Hold on, I'll ask him
- [to Kramer]
- Jerry Seinfeld: George wants to know when you want to go look for the cat again.
- Kramer: It's been two weeks, it's up to the cat now.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] Kramer says, "It's up to the cat now."
- [to Kramer, now relaying what George says]
- Jerry Seinfeld: "It'll be on your conscience."
- Kramer: Oh, how do you figure?
- Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] "How do you figure?"
- [to Kramer]
- Jerry Seinfeld: "Because you didn't close the door."
- Kramer: Well, why was I in charge of closing the door?
- Jerry Seinfeld: [to George, now annoyed by relaying the messages] "Why was he in charge of closing the door?"
- [to Kramer]
- Jerry Seinfeld: Because you came in after him.
- Kramer: So?
- Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] "So?"
- [to Kramer]
- Jerry Seinfeld: "So the last person in should close the door!"
- Kramer: [Reaches for Jerry's phone] Here, let me talk to him.
- Jerry Seinfeld: No, call him from your place!
- [to George, as Kramer leaves]
- Jerry Seinfeld: He's calling you right now. Okay!
- [last lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight. People have fistfights in life. And I can't really believe we have boxing, either. It's really kind of an amazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a little bit, have a little accident, they get out... "Did you see my signal? Look at that fender!" Then you'd see a real fight.
- Elaine Benes: If I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him and anyone who tries to stop me.
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: I'm not a foodie. I don't... "Oh, this is too rare. Oh, it's too salty." Just eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having. I have eaten rolls off of room-service trays in hotel hallways. I have. That's not a joke. This is my life. I don't know. Somebody left it. Why would somebody poison a roll and leave it in the hallway for some comic coming down at 2:00 in the morning? Why would they do that? Sometimes, you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in a little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people..." What is this? A little gold tassel hanging down... Am I graduating from the restaurant? What is this about?