Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Old Man (1993)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

Photos 

Quotes 

• George Costanza : Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?

  Newman : I'm a United States postal worker.

  George Costanza : Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?

  Newman : Sometimes.

  Jerry : Why is that?

  Newman : Because the mail never stops! It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, it's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more, and you gotta get it out, but the more you get it out, the more it keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And then, it's Publisher's Clearinghouse Day...!

  Jerry : All right, all right, all right!

• Jerry : What's all this stuff?

  Sid Fields : Trash. Garbage.

  Jerry : You're throwing this out?

  Sid Fields : I believe that's what you do with garbage, ya idiot.

• George Costanza : What kind of person *are* you?

  Jerry : Pretty much like you, only successful.

• [last lines] 

  Jerry : To me, the thing about old people is that everything about them gets smaller. You know, their bodies get smaller. They move into smaller places. They sleep less time. They eat smaller meals. Except the car. The older they get, the bigger their car gets. I've never understood that. And old people have a way of backing out of the driveway. They don't turn from side to side. They just go, "I'm old. I've been waiting a long time. I'm backing it out. I'm coming back. Watch out, buddy. I'm coming." You know? And you've got to watch out for them. And then, once they get out there, they drive so slowly, and I would think the less time you have in life, the faster you would want to go. I think old people should be allowed to drive their age. If you're 80, do 80. If you're 100, go 100. They can't see where they're going anyway. Let them have a little fun out there.

• [first lines] 

  Jerry : The life expectancy now is 72, I think, for men. Seventy-five or six or something for women. It's amazing to think that just a couple thousand years ago, life expectancy was 30. Which, in our terms, would mean that you'd get your driver's license around 5, you'd marry at 9, divorced at 15. In your late teens, you move down to Florida. I guess that's how spring break got started, I don't know. Then, eventually, people are saying things about you like, "Well, it's amazing. He's 28, but he's still very alert. His mind is so sharp, you would think you're talking to a 2-year-old."

• George Costanza : What gives you pleasure?

  Jerry : Listening to you. I listen to this for 15 minutes, I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.