- Russell Dalrymple: Oh, Elaine, we're doing some very, very interesting things right now. We've got some very exciting pilots for next season. We have one with a bright young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.
- Elaine Benes: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I've heard of him. He's that "Did you ever notice this, did you ever notice that" guy.
- Russell Dalrymple: In fact, he was in the restaurant the day that we met.
- Elaine Benes: Uhuh.
- Russell Dalrymple: Um, well, anyway, it's a groundbreaking show.
- Elaine Benes: Really? What is it about?
- Russell Dalrymple: Well,
- [chuckles]
- Russell Dalrymple: it's... it's really very unusual. It's about nothing.
- Elaine Benes: What do you mean, it's about nothing?
- Russell Dalrymple: Mmm, for example, what did you do today?
- Elaine Benes: Um, I got up, I went to work, then I came here.
- Russell Dalrymple: There's a show. That's a show.
- George Costanza: What if the pilot gets picked up, and it becomes a series?
- Dana Foley: That would be wonderful, George. You'll be rich and successful.
- George Costanza: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
- Dana Foley: I thought you didn't believe in God.
- George Costanza: I do for the bad things.
- Dana Foley: Do you hear what you're saying? God isn't out to get you, George. What... What is that on your lip?
- George Costanza: What?
- Dana Foley: It's like a discoloration. It's white.
- George Costanza: [looks in a mirror] Yes. Yes, it's white. Why is it white?
- Dana Foley: You'd better get that checked out.
- George Costanza: "Better get that checked out"?
- Dana Foley: I would.
- George Costanza: What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling you I'm scared that something terrible is gonna happen to me. Right away you start looking for tumors?
- Dana Foley: I'm trying to help.
- George Costanza: What are you, like a sadist? No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make 'em feel worse? I'll bet you're rootin' for the tumor!
- Dana Foley: I think you'd better go.
- George Costanza: Well, I'm going, baby! I'm goin'!
- [last lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: Now, I know women often complain about the number of things you have to do to get male attention: the high heels, the pantyhose, the makeup. But let me tell you, it's even worse if you're a man. Because if you're a man, you don't know what to do. That's why we're building bridges, climbing mountains, exploring uncharted territories. You think we want to do these things? Nobody wants to build a bridge. It's really, really hard. Designing rockets, flying off into space... I guarantee you, every astronaut, when he comes back from space, goes up to a girl and goes, "So did you see me up there?"
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we going to have to have AA-type meetings for these people? Going, "Hi. My name is Bill. And the one thing I'm worried about is having a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Now, this means, to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
- Sandi Robbins (Elaine): How does Elaine kiss?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well...
- Sandi Robbins (Elaine): Does she kiss like this?
- [kisses Jerry]
- Jerry Seinfeld: Actually, she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around, it's like...
- Sandi Robbins (Elaine): Like this?
- [kisses Jerry again]
- Jerry Seinfeld: I think you got it.
- Michael Barth (George): I just came from the podiatrist. Yeah, I got something wrong with my foot. I got a little gangrene. They're probably gonna have to amputate.