The Simpsons (TV Series)

$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (1993)

Harry Shearer: Newsreel Narrator, Jasper, Homeless Man, Henry Kissinger, Kent Brockman, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Reverand Lovejoy, Mr. Burns, Smithers, British Designer, Otto, Ernst, Tentacle, Casino Employee #2, Man with Quarters, Casino Employee #4, Yay Crowd, Boo Crowd

Quotes 

• Mr. Burns : [holding a model airplane]  We'll take the spruce moose! Hop in!

  Smithers : But sir, it's just a mod...

  Mr. Burns : [takes out a pistol]  I said, "Hop in."

• Kent Brockman : Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

• Smithers : Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago.

  Mr. Burns : Yeah, well, I've discovered the perfect business: people swarm in, empty their pockets, and scuttle off. Nothing can stop me now -

  [paranoid like Howard Hughes] 

  Mr. Burns : except microscopic germs. But we won't let that happen, will we, Smithers?

  Smithers : Uh, no sir.

• Mr. Burns : Smithers, I've designed a new plane! I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes!

  Smithers : That's quite a nice model, sir.

  Mr. Burns : Model?

• Rev. Lovejoy : Once the government approves something, it's no longer immoral!

• Principal Skinner : And now, a special award for those students who obviously had no help at all from their parents, Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum!

  [Lisa is wearing the "Florida" costume that Homer made for her; Ralph has a piece of paper with "Idaho" written on it taped to his chest] 

  Ralph Wiggum : I'm Idaho!

  Principal Skinner : Yes, of course you are.

• Mr. Burns : [spraying the monitors with disinfectant]  They're all covered with filthy germs, aren't they Smithers?

  Smithers : Why, what do you mean, sir?

  Germs : [the germs appear lively]  Freemasons run the country!

  Mr. Burns : Ew!

• [Homer is a Blackjack dealer] 

  Ernst Stavro Blofeld : Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.

  James Bond : I'll take a hit, dealer.

  [Homer deals Bond a card] 

  James Bond : Joker? You were supposed to take those out.

  Homer : Oh, sorry.

  [Homer deals Bond another card] 

  James Bond : What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?

  Ernst Stavro Blofeld : What a pity, Mr. Bond...

  [Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him] 

  James Bond : But it was Homer's fault. I can't lose. I never lose.

  [Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino] 

  James Bond : At least tell me your plans for world domination.

  Ernst Stavro Blofeld : Oh ho, ho, I'm not falling for *that* one again.

• [Smithers and Mr. Burns at the Casino] 

  Smithers : I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.

  Mr. Burns : Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

• Kent Brockman : Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on YOU, the viewers.

• Mr. Burns : Smithers do you think you could dig up Al Jolson?

  Smithers : Ummm... Remember we tried that?

  Mr. Burns : Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.

• Mr. Burns : Thank you for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.

  Henry Kissinger : It was fun.

  Smithers : We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.

  Henry Kissinger : Yes, well, I'm sure I left them in the car.

  [thinking] 

  Henry Kissinger : No one must know I dropped my glasses in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.

• Captain McAllister : [pitching an idea to Burns with a painting of a ship]  I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail 'round the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.

  Mr. Burns : We're building a casino!

  Captain McAllister : Arr... can you give me five minutes?

• Welcomer to Casino : Hi Ex-Boxer Gerry Cooney welcoming you to the Mr. Burns Casino

  Otto Mann : OK see you

  Welcomer to Casino : Oh and by the way...

  Otto Mann : I said Knock it off

  Otto Mann : [Otto Punches Mr. Cooney]  He is not so tough!